Domino’s drivers are key workers, government concedes

THE government has conceded that Domino’s drivers are key workers and should be given priority access to fuel.

Domino’s drivers will be allowed to jump queues at petrol stations, like healthcare workers and social care staff, because otherwise the nation faces the real risk of eating something without a stuffed crust.

Transport secretary Grant Shapps said: “Domino’s drivers put their lives on the line every damn night for us. We owe them.

“With panic buyers snapping up pizzas they don’t need on Two For Tuesday, drivers need all the help they can get. We’ve got military personnel on standby to dish out garlic and herb dip if needs be.

“Ambulances, police and anyone just trying to get the kids to school won’t mind making way for these servants of a hungry nation. Also any Foxton’s Minis.”

Housing secretary Michael Gove was later filmed filling up at a south London garage with one of those wedge-shaped Domino’s delivery things affixed to the roof of his ministerial Mercedes.

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Can you fit into the jeans you wore when you were 21 or of course f**king not?

ANYONE who no longer fits into the jeans they wore aged 21 is at risk of diabetes, but are you safe? Of course f**king not, but take our quiz: 

What waist size are your jeans? 

A) The same size as the day I celebrated my 21st birthday

B) 36, but that’s only because I buckle them in the shadow of my overhanging gut

How would you describe your average lunch? 

A) A sharing bag of Kettle Chips, a bottle of full-sugar Lucozade, a Mars Duo and a Marlboro Gold, just like when I was 21

B) Something healthy from the canteen, unless it’s been a stressful morning when I might nip to Pret, unless I’m working from home when I might eat an entire chocolate fudge cake

Do you exercise? 

A) Now they don’t have table service in pubs I’m kept pretty busy going to the bar and back, and the toilet, and of course out for a fag

B) I have a cross-trainer in the garage, a Peleton in the bedroom, I’m a member of a gym and my hybrid bike cost £1,200. But no

Can you still fit into the same jeans you wore age 21? 

A) Course I can, and I still wear them regularly

B) Of course I f**king can’t, and anyway I was 21 in 1998 so everyone was in combats


Mostly As: You are either aged 21 or were already morbidly obese at 21, but well done! Diabetes is a sure thing but you’ve beaten the framing of this question.

Mostly Bs: Unless you change your lifestyle you’ll never fit into a pair of jeans you bought from MadHouse in 1998 and threw away after they were badly soiled at your millennium party. More fool you.