Electric car drivers suffocating on own smugness

DRIVERS of electric vehicles are being asphyxiated by their own toxic smugness during the fuel crisis, it has emerged. 

Motorists with all-electric vehicles have been given medical attention after found slumped over their steering wheels near-unconscious with huge self-satisfied smiles.

Commodities trader Ryan Whittaker said: “I actually thought I’d be immune from passing out due to pompous superiority, because I already drive a Tesla.

“But the pious high of my tiny carbon footprint was as nothing once everyone started freaking out and rushing to petrol stations and I was sailing past, somehow even more conceited than ever.

“As I glided silently past the fume-choked queue with a shit-eating grin on my face, I realised the atmosphere within my car was so noxiously holier-than-thou that I was blacking out. My last act was to roll my eyes at the sheeple.”

Paramedic Sue Traherne said: “We give them oxygen, but the fuel crisis means they can’t even turn on the news without radiating dangerous levels of pity for the fools that surround them.

“We may have to smash up their cars with hammers. For their own good.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Petrol shortages, inflation and no deal with America: how to blame it all on Remainers

THE UK is out of fuel and faces a harsh winter and cancelled Christmas – all thanks to bloody Remainers. Here’s how to tell them: 

Fuel’s their fault

Low on HGV drivers? F**k off. They’ve got the same problem around Europe. What really happened was that the BBC, Remainers to a bloody man, deliberately caused a petrol shortage because they’re desperate to make Brexit look bad. And you fell for it, you dick.

Empty shelves in supermarkets are their fault

What do I eat for dinner? Four meat pies and two tins of beans. What do fancy-arsed Remainers eat for dinner? Panchetta-wrapped sea bass and foccacia, and that’s what the shelves are full of: shit nobody wants. They’re clogging the supply chain. That’s why there’s no Beef & Veg Big Soup in the Spar.

Inflation’s their fault

Who causes inflation? People buying things. Who’s got all the money? Liberal elitists in ivory towers out of touch with ordinary British xenophobes. They buy stuff, for example flutes, modern art that you can’t even tell what it is, Sally Rooney novels in hardback – and we pay the price.

No turkey at Christmas is their fault

Turkey, no relation to the country whose entire population would’ve come here if we hadn’t left the EU, is gonna be in short supply this year. And you know why? Yeah. Remainers. Furious that we all had a great Christmas last year even though 15,000 of us died, they’re going all out to ruin this one. They’re pathetic, petty people.

No trade deal with the US is their fault

Joe Biden could barely even look at Boris and that’s not personal, that’s the disrespect shown to his office by guess who? Those twats. Biden’s not risking some blimp of him in a nappy so no trade deal. They’ve literally destroyed our future, which could have been legal weed and guns.

Harry Kane not being able to leave Tottenham is their fault

Finally, the greatest outrage of 2021 is undoubtedly Harry Kane – Leave for sure, you’ve only got to look at him – being trapped at Tottenham. By? You guessed it. Forcing him to adhere to the terms of his contract, just like the EU’s forcing us to abide by a Northern Ireland protocol we don’t like. Remainer fingerprints all over it.