MALE? Every wondered why a seemingly sure thing suddenly evaporated? It’s because you said this:
‘Push-up bra was it?’
You’re in one of the few situations where staring at and commenting on breasts is not only acceptable but obligatory, and you’ve still screwed it up. Your offhand comment suggesting her boobs looked better clothed is an absolute passion-killer.
‘You don’t have to do anything’
Works a charm with housework, but pre-coitally is very much ensuring that the next five minutes will be all about you. You might think it’s a magnanimous offer to help conserve her energy. She thinks suggesting your lover lie still while you hump is sickeningly creepy.
‘All my exes said I’m great in bed’
They loved you so they lied to you. That was kind. Unfortunately your rampant ego misunderstood and you now believe yourself a sex legend able to elicit pleasure even from the not-particularly-interested. You’re not. There’s a reason they dumped you.
‘Don’t worry about contraception’
Nothing makes a woman worry about contraception more. Your suggestion that your mastery of lovemaking is so complete that you only climax on demand turns sex into life-creating Russian roulette. Except it actually solves all contraception worries by stopping everything immediately.
‘Oh yeah, baby, you like that?’
You’re meant to watch porn with the sound down, for f**k’s sake, not memorise and recreate the dialogue. And in this internet age she’s also watched it, knows exactly what you’re doing and isn’t keen to take part in a re-enanctment. Baby in fact does not like that.
It’s lovely you have so much affection for your mother, but strangely women are usually more likely to enjoy sex with actual men rather than confused milk-seekers with a pitiful Oedipus complex. Still, by the time you’re shouting this you got what you wanted.