The six horrifically pervy things men say to ruin their chance of sex

MALE? Every wondered why a seemingly sure thing suddenly evaporated? It’s because you said this: 

‘Push-up bra was it?’ 

You’re in one of the few situations where staring at and commenting on breasts is not only acceptable but obligatory, and you’ve still screwed it up. Your offhand comment suggesting her boobs looked better clothed is an absolute passion-killer.

‘You don’t have to do anything’ 

Works a charm with housework, but pre-coitally is very much ensuring that the next five minutes will be all about you. You might think it’s a magnanimous offer to help conserve her energy. She thinks suggesting your lover lie still while you hump is sickeningly creepy.

‘All my exes said I’m great in bed’

They loved you so they lied to you. That was kind. Unfortunately your rampant ego misunderstood and you now believe yourself a sex legend able to elicit pleasure even from the not-particularly-interested. You’re not. There’s a reason they dumped you.

‘Don’t worry about contraception’ 

Nothing makes a woman worry about contraception more. Your suggestion that your mastery of lovemaking is so complete that you only climax on demand turns sex into life-creating Russian roulette. Except it actually solves all contraception worries by stopping everything immediately.

‘Oh yeah, baby, you like that?’ 

You’re meant to watch porn with the sound down, for f**k’s sake, not memorise and recreate the dialogue. And in this internet age she’s also watched it, knows exactly what you’re doing and isn’t keen to take part in a re-enanctment. Baby in fact does not like that.


It’s lovely you have so much affection for your mother, but strangely women are usually more likely to enjoy sex with actual men rather than confused milk-seekers with a pitiful Oedipus complex. Still, by the time you’re shouting this you got what you wanted.

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Honk at gridlocked traffic: the twat's guide to panic-buying petrol

THE public has been told not to panic-buy petrol, so of course that’s exactly what it’s doing. Here’s how to purchase fuel like a hoarding twat: 

Honk gridlocked traffic

You haven’t moved forwards in ten minutes. Is it because the petrol station is rammed with motorists, or because you haven’t blasted the queue with a lengthy honk of your horn? It made no difference when you did this five minutes ago, but this time it’s sure to work.

Block a major road

Hardly your fault that you’re the 54th person to arrive at a busy garage on an A-road, is it? So you can’t be blamed for stubbornly blocking a major road with your turn signal blinking. That two-mile tailback won’t be your problem until you’re in it.

Pull up to the wrong side of the pump

Finally, after hours of waiting, you’ve reached the pump. Only you’re on the wrong side and the hose won’t stretch over to the tank no matter how hard you yank it. Looks like you’ll have to reverse and get it right. The other cars will happily oblige you in your manoeuvre.

Fill up extra cans

While you’re here you might as well make the most of it by filling up some extra fuel cans. Try to block out distractions like aggressive drivers telling you to ‘buy what you f**king need and f**k the f**k off’ otherwise you might spill some. Onlookers would be understandably cross if you were wasteful like that.

Top up your mostly full-tank

You didn’t strictly need petrol anyway because you had a relatively full tank, but you were beset by paranoia and it would be a shame to miss out on the fun. Pretend it’s taking longer to fill up than it actually is, otherwise the anxious delivery driver behind you might notice.


Shit, you got lost in the excitement of inserting a nozzle into a car and now you’ve put in diesel while you’re unleaded. Better call the RAC which could take ages seeing as the roads are clogged. There’s nowhere to move the car to either, so you’ll have to leave it blocking the pump. Can’t be helped. That bastard honking his horn distracted you.