Eight food packaging decisions that remain a fascinating mystery

THE makers of snack foods have provided us with a cornucopia of innovative but frequently baffling packaging over the years. Here are some you’re still confused about.

Why do Peperamis appear to come in a condom?

The sausage comes in an inner sheath, like a Fetherlite condom with the end missing. But why? They’re already in a sturdy wrapper. Is it meant to be deeply sexual as you sensually slide the sausage out of the packet before opting to go ‘bareback’? But then you bite the end off and grind it up with your molars. Even your girlfriend’s most inept blowjob isn’t that bad. 

Are Gu ramekins a status symbol?

Gu desserts would taste exactly the same in a plastic or cardboard pot as a more expensive glass ramekin. We can only assume something aspirational is going on here, perhaps targeting the sort of pathetic middle-class snob who thinks people who don’t shop at Waitrose are scum. If you think eating individual cheesecakes from glass ramekins makes you a ‘quality person’, you have psychological issues that require professional help.

Did anyone keep Lyons Maid superhero lolly sticks? 

After guzzling an ice lolly, you’d discover a surprisingly detailed likeness of Batman, the Joker, etc. However they were still basically flat, so Catwoman wasn’t going lead to any sexual awakenings like Julie Newmar. The mystery is what kids did with them afterwards. Did some (literally) poor child play with his lolly sticks as if they were action figures, while sneering cries of ‘Pov!’ echoed in their ears? Let’s pray not.

What are Tic Tac boxes for?

As is now well-known, the plastic boxes can dispense a single Tic Tac at a time. But you need at least three to get a proper taste and you just end up shaking a load out, so they may as well just come in a cardboard tube like Smarties. When Earth is a toxic wasteland stripped of natural resources, our grandchildren will realise the monumental folly of Tic Tac boxes.

Are Muller Fruit Corners in any way an improvement? 

The main function of these appears to be having an illicit hit of pure fruit syrup. However, do it too often and there won’t be enough fruit for the yoghurt. Most people have sussed this and just ladle spoonfuls of syrup into it. Which raises the question – would the syrup spread out too much if the manufacturers simply put it in the yoghurt to begin with? Probably not, and you wouldn’t waste the bit left in the designated fruit corner. Truly this is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma, as Churchill would have put it if he’d been obsessed with yoghurt.

Why the massive clear box for Ferrero Rocher?

Yes, chocolates in a large plastic box could be considered ‘posh’ if you are very easily impressed. But Ferrero Rocher has had the piss taken relentlessly ever since ‘Monsieur, wiz zis Rocher you are really spoiling us!’ so you’d think they’d have given up on that marketing dead end. And half the time they come in cardboard boxes anyway. So with the 42-piece box, why the need for a vast transparent sarcophagus you could probably fit f**king Snow White in?

KP Choc Dips – why do you need a highly portable format?

The technology is simple – a section for biscuit sticks, a section for chocolate dip. And it’s effective – you could walk for miles carrying one without losing either dip or sticks. The mystery is: who would want to? Are there insanely busy businessmen who rush from meeting to meeting thankful for the non-spill container? A clue may lie in the fact that they started out as ‘Yan Yans’, and the Japanese love finding ingenious solutions for massive non-problems.

Why do Pringles come in a tube?

Bags have served crisps well over the centuries*. But then Pringles shook the crisp world out of its smug complacency with crisps IN A TUBE! Nothing could ever be the same again, and questions remain. Is the tube a form of crisp one-upmanship? Are the reconstituted potato crisps really nicer? Did they have to come in a poppable tube because they were determined to use the slogan ‘Once you pop you can’t stop’? Which was always bollocks, frankly. It’s not like you can get heroin flavour. 

*The first notable crisp recipe is from 1817, so now you know.

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Greggs, and other institutions Brits would rather swear allegiance to than King Charles

THE new monarch would like you to promise to be loyal to him, but there are other uniquely British things you’d much rather swear allegiance to. Like these:


Yeah, the Royal Family is quintessentially British, but do you know what is even more so? A mush of pig arseholes stuffed into a tube of greasy pastry. Britain could cope without the monarchy, but it couldn’t cope without a steak bake and a coffee for less than four quid.

John Lewis

If your mum had to choose between King Charles and a shop where she could purchase some decent towels and a lovely pair of slacks, what would she go for? The answer is obvious. Charles offers her f**k all, whereas the prospect of a nice cup of tea and a scone at John Lewis will keep her happy for days.

Sir David Attenborough

The real King of Great Britain, David Attenborough, is beloved by literally everyone. We’d feel safe with him ruling over us and it would be delightful to hear the Christmas speech in his pleasant, warm voice, rather than having Charles’ strangled aristocratic tones ruin the pudding.


Every single citizen of Britain loves bacon, even the vegetarians who are always banging on about it being the only meat they miss. Who wouldn’t pledge allegiance to four delicious rashers sandwiched between two fluffy slices of white bread? And then have an argument over whether brown or red sauce is better. That’s properly traditional.

Harry and Meghan

For no other reason than it would really get on the tits of all those obsequious, forelock-tugging Royalists who’ve been boring us shitless this week. It would be massively taking the piss, which is the institution Brits are most devoted to of all.