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Man's luck in as girlfriend's vibrator out of batteries

A LUCKY man has scored his first shag in months after his girlfriend discovered there were no AAA batteries left in the drawer. 

Lauren Hewitt was planning to deal with her horniness in her usual manner when she powered up her trusty tool only to find it buzzing weakly and with no backup available.

She said: “Once the panic subsided, I found myself eyeing up my electric toothbrush but put off by hygiene implactions. Then I thought to myself: why not?

“I plucked up the courage and kissed him with the grim resignation of a soldier going over the top at the Somme. He was trembling with excitement like a dog that hears its owner say ‘walk’.

“Did it work? Not really. Initially I was pleasantly surprised and then moments later it was over. I should have used the ones from the TV remote.”

Boyfriend Ryan Whittaker said: “What brought that on I don’t know – I have bought a new T-shirt, maybe that – but it was very welcome and mutually satisfying. I wouldn’t rule out doing it again this week.

“Though there was less post-coital cuddling than I expected. She was straight on her phone ordering batteries off Amazon Prime.”

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Spontaneous combustion: six minor genetic problems of your pedigree dog

WILD claims that pedigree dog breeding affects the animals health are nonsense, of course, but you may notice these minor quirks in your Kennel Club champion:

Spontaneous combustion

Shar Pei owners should be aware that the breed is high-maintenance: eye problems, skin infections and an unprompted tendency to burst into flames reaching 800ºC, capable of burning down a large family home in moments. They can also have feisty personalities.

Breathing through the arsehole

Selective breeding of short nosed breeds like Bulldogs and Pugs has led to difficulty breathing conventionally and a minor mutation causing them to breathe through their arseholes. Amplifies breathing to around 60db and comes with a strong, persistent odour and some spattering.

Teeth on its belly

Careful rubbing that belly! Some Pomeranians have a little blip which means their stomachs are entirely coated in rows of razor-sharp teeth. This went unnoticed for several decades as nobody got close enough to a Pomeranian to touch it without getting bitten by its regular teeth.

Demonic possession

The Cavalier King Charles spaniel is a wonderful family pet but also, because of inbreeding, susceptible to use as an earthly vessel by various Dukes of Hell. Watch out for signs like speaking Latin backwards, levitating and tearing out stranger’s hearts. Exorcists can solve the problem temporarily but are not covered by pet insurance.

Prophecy

Few people know this, but if you breed a French Bulldog with its own cousin enough times, you’ll produce puppies that can tell the future. Unfortunately, they are among the least intelligent dogs around and capable of being surprised by their own tails, so the ability is of little use.

Third eye

Nothing to do with any psychic ability. Miniature Poodles can develop a third, amber eye in the middle of their foreheads that will pop out whenever they get aroused and causes feelings of dread, despair, hopelessness and the urge to end it all for a radius of 500ft. The eye drops to treat this cost several thousand pounds per application.

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