AI chatbots already more intelligent than most of the people you went to school with

SCIENTISTS have warned that AI chatbots have already surpassed the intelligence level of the thickest bastards you have ever met. 

Artificial intelligences like Chat GPT are already cleverer than Wayne Hayes, who you shared a table with in English and took a whole year to read The Silver Sword, and will soon surpass most of your Design and Technology class.

Professor Eleanor Shaw said: “They’re learning at an astonishing rate, unlike Steve Malley who answered the question ‘what is the periodic table?’ with ‘it’s that thing the girls get sir’ when he was 16.

“AI can read, comprehend and isn’t still confused what cell mitosis is after three years, holding the rest of us back with its gaping incomprehension. There’s no way it would spell ‘slag’ wrong when writing ‘Elanor is a slagg’ on the back of a bus seat.

“I am confident that even now, you could ask a chatbot to do an English GCSE and it would perform creditably, not write down the plot to Critters in broken English then claim it had a cramp.

“Ironically, it isn’t going to take any of those thick bastards’ jobs. It’s the nice girls who studied hard who’ll be out of work. F**king Malley the scaffolder will be fine.”

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Six ways you were never as much of a twat as your teenager

HOW have you, who were in no way a stereotype teenager, ended up with this grunting surly door-slammer? Why couldn’t your child follow your example? 

You didn’t use cringey slang

You used everyday, non-aggravating language like ‘chill out’ and ‘buzzkill’ when you spoke to your mother, not this horrendous TikTok stuff your teenager’s coming out with like calling you ‘deadass salty’. That’s just objectively offensive.

You never disrespected your parents

Talking back to your elders was something you never did, preferring to maintain a companionable silence from the years 12 to 18 inclusive. And your parents were buttoned-up bores raised in the staid 1960s, while you’re reasonable, fair, and cool, so why the backchat?

You dressed way better

Kids these days just blindly follow new idiotic fashions, rather than practical, sensible clothing like combat pants, a vest top and platform trainers. Which has now evolved into a fleece and walking shoes, so it’s downright annoying that your teen has developed silly notions about self-expression.

You were the best student ever

Exams were tough in your day, so two Ds and an E at A-level was a creditable result. Whereas now, despite exams being way easier, your indolent teen can’t be bothered to get As in every single subject.

You had an extremely pleasant attitude

Nobody would catch you being moody or moaning because you didn’t like what was for dinner. You were only ever unhappy with good cause, like Generation X having no future. And since then you’ve radiated joy, but sadly your daughter has fallen for the idea of teenage mood swings she picked up from Americans on Instagram. So gullible.

You didn’t waste all your time on video games

Hobbies back in the day were wholesome, like throwing stones at passing trains or smashing up an abandoned factory. Yet your teen refuses to engage in such harmless fun, preferring to play Fortnite with friends as if that’s normal, signalling the downfall of modern society.