Still not too late to pick someone else, Royals told

THE public has advised the Royal family that with four days still to go until the Coronation they still have time to pick someone more suitable. 

Britain has denied having a particular candidate in mind, but would ideally choose someone with close family connections who is a tireless worker for charity and reminds them of the late Queen.

Bill McKay of Scarborough said: “I’m not suggesting we think entirely out of the box and go for, like, Jayne Torvill. We stick with a Windsor.

“But what if the Queen had a direct descendant, say a daughter, who had a history of genuine achievement like winning medals at equestrian events? That’d count for a lot.

“If it was someone who’d got divorced without airing their dirty laundry all over the press, so much the better. Rather than, just to pick a random example from the ether, a tampon wannabe.

“And, though this is a long shot, any Royal with the nous to stare a gunman intent on kidnap in the face and say ‘not bloody likely’ has the right stuff, in my opinion. It ain’t over until the monarch’s been anointed. Get me?”

The Princess Royal said: “Bollocks to that.”

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Seven celebrities young people won't believe used to be normal

BACK in the pre-Swiftian epoch these celebrities were unimaginably relatable, not that today’s Zoomers would believe it:  

Dame Helen Mirren – known for getting her kit off

Helen is now a bona fide national treasure like HMS Belfast or David Attenborough with a vagina. But she was once just a mildly controversial actress prone to stripping. For educational purposes, Gen Z should watch Caligula and a Parkinson interview where she plays the dreadful luvvie while Parky pervs over her like a dirty uncle.

Ian Botham – not a Brexit wanker

It’s hard to overstate how big Botham was back in the 80s, aided by the press keeping quiet about his boozing, womanising and smoking weed. Young people will find this wildman hard to reconcile with a grumpy bastard resembling their daft Brexiter dad yarping about Britain ‘going it alone’.

Carol Vorderman – wasn’t a cougar

Cambridge engineering graduate Carol was the attractive nerd who dutifully looked shocked when the Countdown letters spelt out filth like ‘willy’. Now she’s got huge jugs, arse-hugging pants and bangs on about having five men on the go at once. What happened, Carol? Most of us left our spod pasts behind by getting decent trainers.

David Starkey – quite a good TV historian

His increasingly rare TV appearances make you lunge for the remote, but in his day he was a respected TV historian, presenting Late Great Britons – Reappraised and the like. He wasn’t always spouting offensive reactionary drivel, and his Good Ideas of the 20th Century didn’t include hanging and racial segregation.

David Icke – was more into Coventry City than alien lizards

David’s rambling, four-hour lectures include every conspiracy theory going: reptilian alien shapeshifters, 5G, the Illuminati, FEMA death camps etcetera. And you can bet he’s working QAnon in there. It’s a long way from presenting Grandstand looking so conventional that a chicken korma would have been a walk on the wild side.

Katie Price – was not spiralling in a vortex of lunacy

As Jordan, Katie was onto a winner. Minor fame, big modelling fees and success in the respected 90s career of ‘lads’ mag favourite’. 25 years on and Katie is known for a chaotic personal life of abusive kickboxer exes, a regular’s discount at the cosmetic surgeon and barely staying ahead of the law. She monetises her celebrity hell but should have quit while she was ahead, at 32D.

Prince Andrew – just a wanker

These days Prince Andrew is known for one thing, and it’s not It’s a Royal Knockout. But in the 80s he was seen as a moderately entertaining playboy introducing masturbators to Koo Stark, doing his bit against the Argies, and having a jolly Royal wedding for the grans. As the saying goes: ‘It’s better to be a knobhead than an alleged paedophile.’