MANY of us take inspiration from porn, whether getting nails done or hanging an abstract painting over a white sofa. But never take these things into real life:
‘You can get down to it immediately’
There’s no prep in pornography. Nobody ever needs to get a condom from a bathroom cabinet, draw the curtains for the neighbours’ sake or close the door from the dog. Nobody even nips to the loo for a safety wee. It doesn’t matter how turned on you are, stuff needs to be done.
‘You don’t need to communicate’
The sex in porn is entirely instinctual. Both actors know what position is coming next without any awkward fumbling almost as though it’s scripted. In real life, do warn your girlfriend before you try the reverse-python-wheelbarrow move that requires her to brace herself upside down.
‘You can pay for services with sex’
More cerebral porn watchers may notice common themes across the genre, like the wide acceptance of payment in a simple blowjob or a quickie in the back of a taxi. Not likely. With inflation where it is, do you think that pizza delivery guy can heat his house on fellatio alone?
‘You can, and should, come onto your mother-in-law’
Or stepsister. Or second-cousin. While clips online posit that women you’re tangentially related to enjoy being propositioned at random this is not factual. She’ll be horrified and you’ll be dealing with the fallout at every family occasion until you die, when it will be mentioned at your funeral.
‘Dirty talk is universal’
On the internet everyone’s always muttering a stream of low-grade filth, usually asking their partner to do the very thing he is currently doing. Try this at home and see how long it takes him to bristle ‘What do you mean, f**k me? I am f**king you. What are you trying to imply?’
‘Assume everyone’s into BDSM anal unless stated otherwise’
Despite what popular trends in pornography might suggest, most people are happy with bog-standard sex. There are plenty of women out there who find going on top too much like hard work. Over in five minutes? Great. Pop First Dates on.
