Five ways your online food delivery is f**king you over

ONLINE food delivery is meant to be convenient but ultimately ends up f**king you about. Here’s how it tempts you back to traipsing the aisles instead:

The driver doesn’t help you unpack anymore

Pre-pandemic, the driver would carry all the heavy stuff to your kitchen table for you. Now, you’re left lugging the cat food into the house yourself, and wishing you’d not ordered that 48-pack of lager. You’re considering putting your household on a strict diet of Quavers and bagged salad.

Alleging no suitable substitutions…

No substitute available? For bread? Half of the supermarket is bread. If they’d struggled to substitute the pomegranate molasses you’d ordered because you’re a fancy twat who shops at Waitrose you’d understand. But bread? They’re taking the piss.

…or making f**king ridiculous ones

Your Branston Pickle has become lime pickle. Your Tic Tacs were transformed into Blu Tac. Lemon juice is alarmingly replaced with Lemon Cif. Either the customer order picker has got an imaginative sense of humour, or they don’t get paid enough to pay attention to what they’re doing. You suspect the latter.

Wedging the door open with boxes

The driver has helpfully put six large crates down on your doorstep, which means you can’t shut the front door. This turns unloading into a high-speed race where you blindly sling things into the kitchen to avoid all the expensively-gained warm air in your home escaping, along with a pet and possibly a toddler.

Messing up the meal deal

Three dishes and wine for £12? What a bargain. Until they substitute the main course, which means the deal doesn’t trigger and you’re charged full price for every item. You can’t be arsed to call them and spend ages on hold, so instead you eat your overpriced rosemary-and-garlic-infused potatoes in a state of awful, simmering resentment.

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Inspirational ginger actually likes the sun

A GINGER man has touched millions of hearts by saying he actually enjoys sunny weather.

Jordan Gardner of Swindon has been applauded because even though his pale, unearthly flesh is prone to burning, he still enjoys going out and soaking up the sunshine.

Friend Donna Sheridan said: “Jord doesn’t hide indoors on days like this. He puts on his bucket hat and comes to the picnic even though he knows full well it could kill him.

“If I were him I’d be in a windowless room until the rains return, but he won’t live like that. He’s out here catching rays as if he’s a normal person, and I find that so inspiring.

“They should put him on TV so ginger kids – you know, the ones you bully at school – could see him and then maybe they’d have the courage to do similar. Even if they died, at least they’d have really lived.

“I know it’s all bravado. That after another summer like 2018 he’ll be nothing but freckled dust blown on the wind. But he insists he actually likes it, despite everything. What a guy.”

Gardner said: “It’s better to burn out than to fade away.”