HAS Succession entirely passed you by because you were too cheap to pay for it? Don’t worry, here’s a potted guide to all the best streaming shows so you can imagine them for free.
Amazon, The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power
Jeff Bezos is no mug. Not only can he deliver you some new oven gloves and a pack of AA batteries in under 24 hours, he’s got his hands on Middle Earth now. Sadly Amazon wildly overestimated how much of the rights to Tolkien they owned, so it’s got some of the same elves and dwarves and Sauron, but mixed up with knock-off hobbits. No one liked it and it’s set thousands of years before, so you have no f**king idea what’s happening. Epically confusing.
Disney+, The Mandalorian
There’s a Mandalorian, but the show mainly depends on the charisma of Boba Fett in 1980 and the cuteness of Baby Yoda. Still, at least it’s not The Phantom Menace. Having said that, the Star Wars barrel has been extensively scraped, so don’t rule out The Gungan. Yes, they could bring back Jar Jar and Dexter Jettster while they’re at it. Quick, get Disney on the phone. They’ll make f**king anything.
Now TV, Succession
The Roy family drama is like one of your dismal family Christmases, except everyone is better dressed than your Uncle Mike and they’re arguing about $10bn media takeovers, not whether or not to watch Ratatouille. No one shuts up for a second, like your Auntie Susan prattling on about immigrants, if she’d been to an Ivy League university.
The jewel in Paramount’s crown is five series of a modern Western set on a vast Montana cattle ranch which no one has actually seen. They may as well not have bothered, because all anyone’s watching on Paramount is old episodes of South Park. That or turning all the lights off, the volume up, and pretending to be Tom Cruise’s wingman in Top Gun: Maverick.
Netflix, Stranger Things
Along with Tiger King and Squid Game, this is another of Netflix’s returning behemoths. It features a bunch of freaky goings-on in the film E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, sorry, a town called Hawkins in Indiana. It proves two things: 80s nostalgia doesn’t really stretch to four series and child actors are not very good. And £6.99 a month is a bit steep just to find out why everyone went mental over Running Up That Hill last year.
Apple TV, Ted Lasso
It’s not the greatest recommendation, but most people got Apple TV because it came free with their mobile phone upgrade. They also got Ted Lasso, a twee, saccharine, positive take on football. Which is sacrilege really. What proper fans want isn’t the rise of AFC Richmond against the odds, they want arsehole pundits, spoilt bastard players, endless VAR discussions and the five billionth promise to ‘stamp out racism on the terraces’. That’s the real ‘beautiful game’.
No idea. No one’s ever watched it. Have you? Email and tell us.