Streaming services' best shows summed up for people too tight to pay for them

HAS Succession entirely passed you by because you were too cheap to pay for it? Don’t worry, here’s a potted guide to all the best streaming shows so you can imagine them for free.

Amazon, The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power

Jeff Bezos is no mug. Not only can he deliver you some new oven gloves and a pack of AA batteries in under 24 hours, he’s got his hands on Middle Earth now. Sadly Amazon wildly overestimated how much of the rights to Tolkien they owned, so it’s got some of the same elves and dwarves and Sauron, but mixed up with knock-off hobbits. No one liked it and it’s set thousands of years before, so you have no f**king idea what’s happening. Epically confusing.

Disney+, The Mandalorian

There’s a Mandalorian, but the show mainly depends on the charisma of Boba Fett in 1980 and the cuteness of Baby Yoda. Still, at least it’s not The Phantom Menace. Having said that, the Star Wars barrel has been extensively scraped, so don’t rule out The Gungan. Yes, they could bring back Jar Jar and Dexter Jettster while they’re at it. Quick, get Disney on the phone. They’ll make f**king anything. 

Now TV, Succession

The Roy family drama is like one of your dismal family Christmases, except everyone is better dressed than your Uncle Mike and they’re arguing about $10bn media takeovers, not whether or not to watch Ratatouille. No one shuts up for a second, like your Auntie Susan prattling on about immigrants, if she’d been to an Ivy League university.

Paramount+, Yellowstone

The jewel in Paramount’s crown is five series of a modern Western set on a vast Montana cattle ranch which no one has actually seen. They may as well not have bothered, because all anyone’s watching on Paramount is old episodes of South Park. That or turning all the lights off, the volume up, and pretending to be Tom Cruise’s wingman in Top Gun: Maverick.

Netflix, Stranger Things

Along with Tiger King and Squid Game, this is another of Netflix’s returning behemoths. It features a bunch of freaky goings-on in the film E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, sorry, a town called Hawkins in Indiana. It proves two things: 80s nostalgia doesn’t really stretch to four series and child actors are not very good. And £6.99 a month is a bit steep just to find out why everyone went mental over Running Up That Hill last year.

Apple TV, Ted Lasso

It’s not the greatest recommendation, but most people got Apple TV because it came free with their mobile phone upgrade. They also got Ted Lasso, a twee, saccharine, positive take on football. Which is sacrilege really. What proper fans want isn’t the rise of AFC Richmond against the odds, they want arsehole pundits, spoilt bastard players, endless VAR discussions and the five billionth promise to ‘stamp out racism on the terraces’. That’s the real ‘beautiful game’.  

Britbox, nothing

No idea. No one’s ever watched it. Have you? Email and tell us.

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Sex Bomb, and other songs your mum shouldn't sing along to

ROUND at your parents’ when your mother innocently starts joining in with a suggestive pop song? Here are some sexy mum classics to make you want to curl up and die.

Sex Bomb

No, just no. It’s bad enough hearing octogenarian Tom Jones singing ‘And baby you can turn me on’ but your mum chiming in increases the cringe factor tenfold. Who exactly is your mum’s ‘sex bomb’? Plastic-faced Tom? Your dad? It’s all horrible. Just pray she doesn’t look at you while she’s vacantly warbling away.

Like A Virgin

Wrong on more levels than shagging a dog in a high-rise lift. Your mum will blithely sing along without appearing to notice the actual meaning of the lyrics. Meanwhile you’re trying to blot out hideous imaginings of her fumbling cocks at sixth-form discos. It’s immeasurably better for your mental health to believe your parents are asexual organisms, like flatworms.

I Kissed A Girl

This is such an infectious, bouncy little number she’ll merrily join in without a second thought about it referring to dabbling in lesbianism and loving it. Your dad’s ears have pricked up too, which is even worse because you know some debased fantasy is fomenting in his head involving your mum and the unfortunate Katy Perry.

Knowing Me, Knowing You

Your mother loves ABBA, obviously. She’s that age. And while you can just about tolerate her singing along to Super Trouper or Waterloo, you know she’ll try to do a husky, sexy voice for the ‘A-haaah’ bit of this. At which point your mind will be flooded with confusing sexual images of Agnetha, your mum, and Alan Partridge in a posing pouch.

Saving All My Love For You

Your mother likes Whitney so much she’s watched The Bodyguard 20 times. Despite this she’s not realised this immediately recognisable ditty is actually about shagging away from home. And the thought of your mum ‘making love the whole night through-oo-ooh’ – even with your dad, never mind some bloke she met in the queue at Tesco – will have you wanting to heave.

Sex On Fire

The Kings of Leon have a lot to answer for. An endless procession of shit covers bands badly belting this out is painful enough, but your mum? She seems not to have twigged that the song is referring to wild, hell-for-leather sex in various situations. Maybe she thinks it’s about her cystitis.