How to brazenly buy condoms

PURCHASING condoms is inherently awkward, even though it suggests you are having sex, which makes you incredibly cool. Start buying them confidently with this guide.

Buy the biggest box possible

Small boxes of three condoms are for pussies, so to speak. You should be looking to buy a carton of at least 12, but ideally 50 or more. If possible, get the box from one of those see-through security containers so the cashier has to go through the faff of opening it. That will make sure everyone nearby is impressed by you buying little latex windsocks for your dick.

Don’t use the self-checkout

Only pathetic little boys sheepishly scan their condoms through the self-checkout. Real men stride right up to a member of staff, proudly slam their johnnies down on the counter, then grab the nearest cucumber in a display of how comfortable they feel. Chicks dig this sort of confidence, so you’ll probably pull while you’re paying too.

Bring your partner along

Make it 100 per cent indisputably clear that you are porking like a champion by bringing your partner along for the ride. While paying, nod at the cashier and say ‘No prizes for guessing what we’re doing with these later’ and shoot them a cheeky wink. This still leaves room for doubt though, so bluntly state that you’ll be using the condoms for sexual intercourse in about seven hours.

Bulk buy

A prolific shagger such as yourself needs to purchase an industrial amount of condoms. Once the first box has been scanned, excuse yourself and dash off to pick up some more. The long queue of customers waiting behind you will be in awe as you stagger back to the till with a precarious tower of prophylactics. As you set them down, be sure to use the classic quip: ‘This should last me until tomorrow.’

Ask if there are other types out the back

You can only see the regular condoms, but you’re looking for the flavoured ones and that kind that has the little bumps on them. Flag down a member of staff and nag them to look in the warehouse for what you’re after. Or better yet, get them to make a deafening announcement over the tannoy. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

Make small talk with the cashier

Condoms are traditionally acquired in uncomfortable silence, as both you and the cashier try to ignore the implications of your purchase. Power through potential awkwardness by asking them if they have any weekend plans or if they’ve seen any good movies lately. If the conversation stalls, cut to the chase and say: ‘Yep, these are going on my cock.’

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Brexiter wondering if perhaps he was the dickhead

A BREXITER who voted for sovereignty and got spiralling inflation, a collapsing NHS and record immigration is wondering if he was the dickhead.

Bill McKay voted to leave the EU in 2016 in the belief it would save Britain money, cut immigration and make everything better, but now cannot help noticing it has gone very much the other way.

He said: “Immigration’s at record levels. And that’s the legal kind, with the boats on top of that. And I very much remember voting to do something about that.

“For the first few years I blamed everything that was going so badly wrong, like Theresa May, on Remainers blocking Brexit. But there haven’t been any Remainers for years now, Brexit went through in its purest and most wonderful form, and it’s still shit.

“We’ve got British jobs for British people to the extent I’m having to work two of the f**kers, the NHS has gone right downhill, inflation’s through the roof, so’s my mortgage, and it’s beginning to feel like it might be my fault.

“All I did was take promises at face value. Was that so wrong? Maybe when the people making the promises were Johnson and Farage it kind of was.”

He added: “Really sorry everyone. Cards on the table, I f**ked up. Okay, now I’ve admitted that, can we go back to how it was before? No harm done, right?”