UK's last Bovril drinker unable to explain why

26th May 2023

THE sole remaining consumer of Bovril in the UK has struggled to justify why he voluntarily drinks brown, salty water.

When confronted by family and friends about drinking hot, beefy piss water instead of tea or coffee, 56-year-old Norman Steele was unable to provide rational reasons for his deviant habit.

Steele said: “People can’t understand why I still go for a hot drink made from something that voluntarily describes itself as ‘concentrated meat paste’. And they’re right. I’m sick in the head.

“I’ve no idea where the urge comes from. If someone said ‘Gosh I really fancy a cup of liquid cow parts’ you’d think they were mad. I’d see a psychiatrist but the last one told me to f**k off and keep my beef drinks to myself.”

Steele’s wife Clare said: “It’s a nightmare. Not even the most bloodyminded gammons drink this stuff. It makes your breath smell like you’ve been French kissing a frying pan full of congealed burger fat.

“But he won’t just have a coffee, even when he’s tired and wants a pick-me-up. He just dissolves a caffeine pill into his Bovril and calls it a ‘beef speedball’.

“It’s so awkward at friends’ houses. Even the biggest coffee snob will make do with a cup of Nescafe. I’ve seen Norman get someone to make him a pint of diluted Bisto to get his fix.”

Steele added: “It’s strange to think I’m the last of my kind. I’m like that Japanese soldier on a remote Pacific island who didn’t know the war was over. Only he probably had something nicer to drink.”

Should I get my tits out? A comprehensive guide for women

26th May 2023

BREASTS. Sometimes they should be exposed, sometimes not, and there are many grey areas. Let’s look at the pros and cons in a variety of situations.

In the bedroom

Totally acceptable, and a guaranteed crowd-pleaser with men. However if your breasts are met with indifference it may be time to face some uncomfortable truths and ask your partner why he owns every Pet Shop Boys album.

In a sexy pop video

Yes. On the one hand sexist pop videos are bad. But on the other, Emily Ratajkowski. She’s worth millions despite doing f**k all since the Blurred Lines video. Just be sure to google the musicians first and make sure they’re as famous as Pharrell. You really don’t want to discover they’re a crap local Oasis covers band who just want to see your tits.

In the shower

Kind of necessary, unless you’ve been hit so hard by the cost-of-living crisis you’re attempting to wash your bra while wearing it. What can we say? Let’s just hope the economy picks up soon and your tits come out sparkling clean.

For the cameras on rollercoasters

Getting your tits out on a theme park ride for the souvenir photo is a great British tradition. However, the log flume at Alton Towers full of snotty kids and pensioners needing the toilet isn’t the most erotic environment, so don’t expect a thrilling sexual experience. A lot of faff, and probably not worth it.

At a naturist camp

An oasis of enlightenment where bare breasts are the norm. However naturists tend to be quite old, so if you’ve got perky norks that don’t hang down like dead otters, fellow nudists may become jealous and not invite you over to their camper van for a nut roast and Gerald playing the acoustic guitar. It’s up to you whether you take this risk.

In the office

Meetings can really drag, especially on Fridays, so definitely get your tits out. No one will have an issue with this.

Getting pissed with your chav mates

A surprisingly common practice among larger ladies who’ve consumed four litres of White Lightning. However, a video will inevitably end up on Facebook and the comments may be less complimentary than those accompanying topless shots of, say, Scarlett Johansson. It’s one rule for Scarlett and another for Vicky Pollard lookalikes, sadly.

In your back garden

Yes and no. If your neighbours can’t see in, whop them out and avoid pesky tan lines. But not at a barbecue. Guests could become confused about what sort of party they’ve been invited to and start randomly copulating in your hydrangeas. Also if you’ve skimped on the sausages the cheap ones can spit very hot fat.

In a porn film

A no-brainer, really. It’s a handy source of income and will revitalise your sex life, just not with your partner. Also you may find yourself something of a local celebrity, which is a great conversational ice breaker at dinner parties and parents’ evenings.