F**king vegans have ruined our dinner, say vegetarians

THE popularity of veganism means that meat-free meals in restaurants are also cheese, milk and egg-free as well, vegetarians have complained.

Rather than making dishes both with and without dairy products, chefs have simply chosen to make all non-carnivorous meals vegan and save themselves the tedious hassle.

Vegetarian Martin Bishop said: “I don’t eat what is always the most interesting and tasty part of any meal for environmental reasons, so the least I can expect is something chock full of cheese and cream.

“But since vegans have come along and made such a fuss, restaurants, cafes and pubs have decided to pander just to them and the only meals available are plant-based, fun-free bullshit.

“And it’s even worse when they try to replace the dairy with fake vegan versions. Eating a veggie burger is bad enough, but when it only comes with cashew nut ‘cheese’ and mayonnaise made out of the minging water from a tin of chick peas, it’s just adding insult to injury. Those f**king ethical bastards.”

Pub chef Helen Archer said: “Whether vegan or vegetarian, they all get on my tits, and they all deserve to suffer.”

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Tourists think going clubbing in central London will be fun

A GROUP of Americans visiting London for the first time believe nightclubs in central London will be hip and fun.

The tourists are preparing for a night out in a venue called Frenzee, which is located in a side street near Leicester Square and never frequented by anyone who lives within a 100 mile radius of it.

Sophie Rodriguez, from Iowa, said: “We’ve never been to London before, but we’re sure that all the coolest nightlife will be smack bang in the most well-known area of the city.

“We’re expecting a stylish venue full of people who look like models dancing to brand new sounds. We know grime comes from London, so we’re sure to see MCs spitting bars someplace around the M&M store in Piccadilly Circus.

“What we don’t want is a tacky club with terrible decor, expensive drinks and a clientele made up of other tourists and drunk bachelorette parties from northern England. But they wouldn’t come to the urban centre of the city, they’ll go somewhere out of the way like Dalston.

“What else are we going to do while we’re here? Probably visit Madame Tussauds. That’s a cutting edge and hugely impressive tourist attraction, right?”