Gap between Northern and Southern tea-brewing time rises to four minutes and 45 seconds

NORTHERNERS are now allowing their tea to brew for almost five minutes longer than their southern counterparts, it has emerged. 

The inequality between regions has concerned experts, who fear the disparity will soon be impossible to close and could lead to war.

Journalist Tom Logan visited towns Bury, Macclesfield, Dewsbury and Coldwick to find that in deprived areas people are regularly leaving teabags in for as long as ten minutes.

He said: “To put that in perspective, the average Cambridge tea-drinker leaves their teabag in for less than two. We are a divided nation.

“Unemployed daytime brewers in left-behind towns make tea so strong you could stand up your spoon in them, while builders in Dorset are knocking back tea that is frankly piss-weak. It’s not sustainable.”

Former riveter Roy Hobbs of Workington said: “We’ve got nothing else. These Southerners might not be so quick to whip out their teabags if their branding agencies were closed like our mines are.

“That’s why we voted Leave. Leave the teabag in the mug a bit longer. Though some folk say that’s been misunderstood.”

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Carry On films found to be sexist

THE Carry On series of films has been exposed as sexist, homophobic, racially insensitive and frankly outdated in every way. 

Insightful critics have called out the series, which ran from 1958-78, for lazy comedy based on sexual stereotypes, lavatorial references and offensive innuendo.

Stephen Malley, social commentator and administrator of Facebook group ‘Cancel Carry On’, said: “The films explore female entrepreneurship, the British Empire, the NHS and trade unionism. But don’t be fooled. They’re nothing like Ken Loach.

“Instead we’re faced with sex-starved men and women barely engaging with the social issues of the period, preferring to crash out of windows with their bottoms exposed to a nun.

“So much of the so-called humour comes from Barbara Windsor getting, or almost getting, her bosoms out. Was Britain really so desperate?

“The series should be revived as 30 black-and-white gritty dramas portraying the grim hell of life in Britain today, largely without dialogue. That’s what the people want.”

Retired steelworker Norman Steele said: “No it bloody isn’t. And in answer to your question about if we were really that desperate? Yes.”