Gelato just ice cream for wankers, study finds

A NEW study has found there are no substantial differences between ice cream and gelato other than the latter is consumed by knobheads.

Gelato, anywhere outside of Italy, is distinguished by costing more, being perceived as an artisanal delicacy, and the largely sociological difference that it is purchased by committed onanists ostentaciously pronouncing ‘gelato’ in an arsehole accent.

Grace Wood-Morris, who works in a London gelateria, said: “There’s no similarity. For example, something to do with buttermilk. Also our flavours include apple, kiwi, mint leaf and cocoa, Bacardi, sultana and matcha.

“Our most popular flavours? Vanilla pod, stracciatella which has chocolate in, and wild forest strawberry. But that doesn’t prove anything.”

Regular customer Tom Booker, a 28-year-old theremin player, said: “No, ice cream is for kids at school fairs. Gelato is for adults heading to a literary festival or poetry slam. The two couldn’t be more different.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Sadly, this is one more case of up-themselves twats trying to disguise their proletarian tastes by using foreign words, which really should have stopped when we left the EU.

“It’s ice cream. And that’s not a new concept in mobile pop-ups innovatively incorporating music into its holistic tasting experience. It’s an ice cream van.”

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Ten Years To Clear Up My F**king Mess: Liz Truss's new book, rewritten by the electorate

49-DAY prime minister Liz Truss has released a new book detailing her plan to save the world. Britain has notes: 

TRUSS: “Her Majesty gave me two words of advice: ‘Pace yourself.’ Maybe I should have listened.”

BRITAIN: “Her Majesty gave me 21 words of advice: ‘Don’t immediately pull Britain into an economic nosedive costing us billions, putting hundreds on mortgages, dooming your party and your premiership.’ I realised she was one of Them and used my death touch.’

TRUSS: “Number Ten was infested with fleas. I’m not sure it would be rated well on Airbnb.”

BRITAIN: “Number Ten had been infested with liberal scum for decades. I immediately vowed to write a nasty, vindictive review on TripAdvisor because I am exactly that arsehole.”

TRUSS: “Unlike some, I hadn’t spent my time in the Cabinet plotting a leadership bid.”

BRITAIN: “Unlike some, I hadn’t wasted time doing my job. Instead I posed for photos in a variety of different outfits, like a limited edition Despot Barbie.”

TRUSS: “We’d finally delivered a package of tax cuts and reform that was going to signify a new era. Looking back, that afternoon was probably my happiest moment as Prime Minister.”

BRITAIN: “Looking back, I still resent Britain for putting its own well-being ahead of my happiness. It was selfish, short-sighted and frankly spiteful. You ruined it for me.”

TRUSS: “Little did I know the establishment was about to use every tool at its disposal to fight back.”

BRITAIN: “Little did I know that banks regard idiots announcing huge unfunded borrowing sprees to provide tax cuts for the rich much as they regard coked-up restauranteurs demanding 80 grand to install a rainbow waterfall in the main dining area, and jack up their prices.”

TRUSS: “‘Kwasi,’ I told him, ‘I’m being threatened with a market meltdown. This is f***ing serious.’”

BRITAIN: “At this point, I have tried to make out that I swear like a normal person. In reality I do so embarrassingly, using phrases like ‘piss me the f**k up’.”

TRUSS: “It was like a game of Tetris when you start losing control and the pieces are getting closer and closer to the top.”

BRITAIN: “I pursue a sensible, bottom-up policy with regard to Tetris, but the game continually sends me bricks that do not fit and only worsen the situation because it is controlled by a hostile establishment determined to bring down original thinkers.”

TRUSS: “Things had not worked out as I had hoped.”

BRITAIN: “I was the most disastrous prime minister since the war, cost ordinary people billions, and may yet be responsible for the death of the Conservative party. This was everyone else’s fault.”