How to be a five-star wanker at a drive-thru

IT’S busy and there’s a queue of cars full of hungry people behind you. How can you cause them the maximum annoyance?

Crank up the music

Your music is so good that everyone should hear it, including the people behind you and the person patiently trying to take your order for the seventh time. If they could punch you in the face without getting the sack, they definitely would.

Have an argument with your partner

The other people in the queue will enjoy watching you have a barney over what to order and making tits of yourselves for a few minutes. However, the longer your petulant bickering goes on, the more likely they are to smash your windows in with a jack handle, so just agree on the party bucket and get on with it.

Play a prank on the drive-thru staff

The people behind the counter definitely haven’t had any tedious pranks played on them before, so why not do something hilarious like attempting to hide in the footwell whilst still driving? You’ll crash into the car in front and get a ticket, but at least you’ll have a funny story to tell your equally prickish mates.

Drive like a twat

Being unable to properly operate your car will annoy the absolute crap out of other customers. Make sure you overshoot the ordering station and then reverse into the car behind, before stopping too far away from the collection window so you have to get out of the car to pick up your food, thus rendering the drive-thru pointless.

Pay in cash from under the seat

Using contactless is far too quick and convenient. Scramble around every corner of your vehicle looking for loose change, not forgetting to look under the seats and pull everything out of the glove compartment. Then spend five minutes counting it up before realising you’re 32p short and using your card.

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Man treats himself to warm can of pre-mixed G&T on bus

A MAN has decided that he has earned the little treat of a warm pre-mixed can of gin and tonic on the bus home. 

After a tough day slaving away in the Next men’s clothing section Nathan Muir has rewarded himself with a mild alcoholic buzz on the 219 home, because why not?

He said: “I popped into the Co-op on the way home, spied it and thought, let’s live a little. And I’ve got myself a Spicy & Fragrant Chicken Panang as well. It’s Saturday night, bitches.

“I don’t mind saying I feel pretty elite up here getting my drink on, unlike all these wage slaves. I pity them as I sip this refreshing tepid G&T until we go over a bump and it spills on my shirt.

“For them it’s commuting. For me it’s a party bus, like a magic carpet taking me direct to my door. Well, apart from 20 minutes uphill. Anyway I wouldn’t be able to do this if I had a car.”

Sophie Rodriguez, aged 19, said: “Some dirty old tramp was drinking on the bus. I think that’s sad. I’ve made it into a meme.”