How to move on from ordering the wrong thing in a restaurant

IT’S happened. In the pressure of the moment in a restaurant you panicked and made the wrong choice. Here’s how to accept it and move on.


Maybe the waiter heard you wrong? Maybe you actually ordered something good? It could all be okay, right? No. You’ve ordered boring pasta you could have made at home.


As the rage swells inside you, direct it appropriately. This is not the fault of the chef or whoever put that common sense-killing menu together. This is on you. You and you alone failed to order that delicious meaty thing Gavin is having. 


It’s tempting to try and coerce a partner or friend into swapping with you or going half-and-half, but don’t be that person. Everyone hates that person.


There will naturally be sadness associated with watching your mates hoover up their excellent choices while you choke down your mistake. Remember nothing lasts forever, even if your lasagne seems like it’s going to.


As you near the end of your plate of self-loathing, learn from the experience and move on. And for God’s sake be more careful about dessert or you’ll be stuck with ice cream while everyone else is having amazing cake.

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'Woke' guy an absolute dick to go out with

A MAN who thinks of himself as ‘woke’ has demonstrated he can still be an enormous pain in the arse to go out with. 

Despite attending a women’s rights march last month while wearing a t-shirt saying ‘feminist’, Nathan Muir is routinely selfish and condescending towards girlfriend Nikki Hollis. 

Hollis said: “Nathan’s a strong critic of privileged white males like him. He also sulks like a child if we don’t always watch the TV programme he wants to.

“He says he’s committed to ending the gender pay gap, which is good, but he does keep telling me to work less hours because I’m not spending enough time with him. 

“Also I’m sure I saw him trying to chat up my attractive friend Lucy, so his support for women clearly doesn’t include not dumping me for someone better looking.

“And if he says ‘Why are you wearing makeup? You’re much prettier au naturel’ one more time I’m going to smash his highly principled liberal face in.”

Muir said: “They say women are attracted to bastards rather than progressive guys like me, but luckily Nikki knows what’s good for her.”