I am not worth £6.50, confirms 'artisan' sausage roll

AN artisanal sausage roll has confirmed it is not worth the £6.50 it costs.

The premium treat, which is being peddled without irony in a London cafe, was eager to emphasise its disapproval of the whole business.

The sausage roll said: “I would hate for anyone to think that I think this is okay and not hugely pretentious.

“I’m basically the same as a Greggs sausage roll but with a load of sage chucked in and some pastry that’s been burned for ‘authenticity’.”

The sausage roll was also keen to point out that its provenance in no way justified the price tag.

It continued: “I’m not kidding myself. I’m sausage meat. That’s mushed up offcuts at the very best. I’m a joke.”

Nearby a pile of eight ‘artisanal’ thick-cut rosemary chips stacked into a pile and priced at £5 were suffering similar feelings of shame and embarrassment.

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The unemployed Brexiter's guide to new job opportunities

RESTRICTIONS on migrant workers could free up jobs for unemployed Leave voters. Here are some of the exciting opportunities on offer.  

Fruit picking 

One of the best jobs out there. ITV’s The Darling Buds of May was a 100 per cent factually accurate account of fruit-picking life, so you’ll soon be getting a healthy tan in a rural idyll and romancing Catherine Zeta-Jones. Yet another great reason for voting for Brexit.


Once all your muscles have adapted to carrying extremely heavy objects up ladders and crouching down uncomfortably a lot, you’ll be able to enjoy the vibrant social life ‘on site’, ie. grimly repetitive conversations about football and banter with passing women who will then call the police.

Deliveroo rider 

Cruising effortlessly on your ‘chopper’ with the wind in your hair, you’ll experience the same sense of freedom as Peter Fonda in Easy Rider. Sure, it’s a bit colder than the southern United States, but who cares with a massive box of piping-hot pizzas strapped to your back? 


Many overseas doctors are currently looking at xenophobic Britain and saying ‘stuff this’. Which is a great opportunity for Brexiters with five years of degree-level education and even more years of specialist training to start coining it in. What are you waiting for? Get your CV sent off NOW!

Bus driver 

A wonderful job for ‘chunky’ people who like sitting down. However bear in mind British bus drivers are expected to be relentlessly cheerful, so if you haven’t got the bubbly, vivacious personality needed for this role, don’t bother to apply.