NEVER visited the North? No need, as you’ve heard what it’s like? Keep this list of Northern cliches on hand to drop in for any discussion of Andy Burnham’s politics:
Pies
They live on pies in the North! They eat pies for every meal, and those meals are breakfast, dinner and tea. ‘Lunch’ is unknown up there, and ‘brunch’ an obscenity.
Chips with gravy
Though they also eat chips with gravy, which is disgusting or assumed to be. Gravy is for roast potatoes which are entirely different from chips.
Chips with curry sauce
Though you may, if you’ve met someone who’s been to the North in the last 40 years, have heard of this exotic combination. What will they get up to next?
Terraced houses
The entire of the North is terraced and all its denizens only have back yards. Forget anything you might have heard about, for example, Cheshire.
Coronation Street
Yes! You’ve heard of this! And reference it to Northerners, not realising that Hilda Ogden and ducks on the wall were 40 years ago and it’s now a lurid murder melodrama.
Rain
Also, unlike in the sun-blessed South, in the North it rains constantly. Which will make Northerners roll their eyes, annoyed, not conceding this one is actually true.
Keeping pigeons
It is established fact that every man in the North has a pigeon loft and his pigeons are the only thing he shows emotion to. Though he is allowed to cry when his pet kestrel dies.
Flat caps
Worn at all times for keeping off the rain and the pigeon shit.
Not wearing coats
Though no Northerner ever wears a coat, no matter how inclement the weather. They are too hard for that.
Always wearing coats
Apart from the ones who are always in anoraks. What you’ve done here is confuse Manchester and Newcastle, which are 106 miles apart. Still, it’s all the North to you.
Liam Gallagher
Manchester’s most famous son and fully representative of the entire city. Every Mancunian man is a swaggering simian incapable of rational thought who starts fights with bins.
Morrissey
Unless he’s a wet blanket with NHS glasses and a back pocket full of gladioli, moaning pretentiously about poetry. Not so easy, this cliche business.
Working down t’pit
Now we’re back to the good stuff. Though actual Northerners will be downers about it by bringing up a) mining’s death toll and b) Thatcher closing them.
Coal in the bath
This was a joke in the 1950s and not funny then. Scraping the barrel a bit? Are all Southerners Yuppies with red-framed glasses living in Canary Wharf?
Nora Batty
Ah, the scowling muse of Yorkshire, sweeping her steps with wrinkled stockings. Not entirely representative of the North but yes, every Northerner’s known one.
Pints of bitter
You do realise that pair these with the aforementioned flat cap and a lit Rothmans and you’ve entirely encapsulated the look and personality of cosplaying politician Nigel Farage?
Vimto
The favoured Northern cordial, with a statue in Manchester not far from the statue of Alan Turing, the gay man who invented computers. But sure, focus on the Vimto.
Mancs vs Scousers
It is true there is a long-running rivalry between Manchester and Liverpool. It’s also true that go back three generations in the family of any Mancunian and you’ll find Scousers, and vice versa.
Ferrets
Yes! Ferrets! Every Northerner has one of more pet ferrets, usually kept within the trousers. Please stay south of Watford. They cherish your idiocy there.
Ey-up!
F**k off.
