MANY countries arrogantly claim their cuisine is better than anywhere else. Here are the top six cuisines which are alright but not f**king life-changing.
6. Turkish
It’s a strange claim by Turks that their food surpasses all others, given it’s basically kebabs and chewy flatbreads. Sharma, shish, all just meat of questionable origin on a stick. Baba ganoush? Aubergine slop that looks like it came out of a nappy. And shepherd’s salad is just tomato, onion and parsley. Those shepherds must be f**king starving. Dead, probably.
5. Italian
Italians are so up themselves they forget their supposedly brilliant food is little more than pasta made from flour, bread and sloppy rice. Pizza is claimed to be as revolutionary as Giuseppe Garibaldi, when all it is is cheese and tomato on dough. You’d be better off making a toastie. If rice cooked in slop then laden with cheese to make it taste of something is your thing, risotto has your back. They don’t even do chips, the misguided arrogant twats.
4. Japanese
Raw fish and seaweed is about as far from top-drawer grub as it’s possible to get, but that doesn’t stop the Japanese unfathomably thinking it is unrivalled the world over. Little bits of uncooked Nemo might look pretty, but you’d have to be a f**king psychopath to consider putting it in your mouth. What right-minded human being wants to chow down on the staple diet of a bloody crab?
3. American
The USA thinks it’s the best in the world at everything, when in reality they only excel at pointlessly remaking films and electing incontinent narcissistic loonies. They think a ‘seafood boil’ sounds appetising, and their burgers, hot dogs and shit fries are all swimming in pollutant E numbers, bleach and industrial hormones. Perhaps if they weren’t always off their heads on chemicals they’d think twice about doing mass shootings.
2. French
The British dislike of the French could be regarded as silly, but the Napoleonic Wars were only 211 years ago, which is nothing compared to the dinosaurs. And their arrogant claims about having the greatest cuisine don’t help. Frogs’ legs? Snails? If you’re going to eat stuff from the garden you may as well throw in a sparrow and a plastic plant pot. It’s no wonder all those dinghy people don’t want to stay there and eat shite when they could be in Blighty with chips and a battered saveloy.
1. All that Scandi shit
Norway, Iceland, Sweden, it matters not, the food claims to be healthy and sophisticated when in truth it’s utterly disgusting. Meatballs and cream dwell at opposite ends of the culinary spectrum for a reason, but here they are sharing a plate. Nobody has a clue what a lingonberry is, other than it sounds like something you should check for before a date. And as for pickled herring, what the actual f**k? The one benefit of it being pitch black half the year is at least you can’t see what’s for dinner.
