Subscribe

Tories overlook crucial detail that ain't nobody out here inheriting shit

THE Conservatives’ vote-winning policy of abolishing inheritance tax has only a single flaw, which is that very, very few people will ever pay it.

Across Britain, voters are examining the flagship policy, relating it to their own circumstances and finding that the two have f**k all relation to each other.

Norman Steele of Lancaster said: “So this only applies on homes over £325,000 which aren’t being left to children? Well, that rules out me and everyone I know.

“Also, I don’t know if she saw the prime minister’s speech about his grandmother’s home going entirely to her care? Regardless of whether you agree with his solution, it’s a thing that happens a lot and means a tax-free inheritance of bugger all.

“Doesn’t really feel like I’m the outlier. I guess I should be living in the South East, own a massive property, have all my care in old age provided by my loving family and expire peacefully in my own bed. Seems a lot of effort just to get some benefit from the Tories.”

Bar owner Ellie Shaw said: “It’s good that dowager aunts who die leaving mysterious fortunes to long-lost relatives in difficult circumstances will no longer be taxed, especially if you’re living in a Dickens novel.

“I personally stand to inherit a terraced house in Kettering, a collection of ugly Lladro figures and a 2018 Citroen C3.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Hey ChatGPT, I've just done a shit, should I wipe my arse?

SO, all this brown stuff just plopped out of my bottom and into the toilet. What should I do next?

This is happening to me every day. I eat some food, then a few hours later I get this strange urge to rush to the bathroom. Is this normal, or should I phone 999? Help me ChatGPT, you’re my only hope.

First of all, congratulations. Getting to the toilet on time means you didn’t shit yourself, so give yourself a pat on the back. This is healthy behaviour and means you’re not constipated. I’d say you’re winning life!

Thanks ChatGPT, I feel really proud of myself now. I’m a bit embarrassed to say this, but all of the weird brown stuff I laid stinks. Should I just walk away and hope it mysteriously disappears somehow?

Fecal matter isn’t just unpleasant to smell, it tastes awful. I’d gently advise against picking it up for a closer look as well. Assuming you haven’t taken a dump in a showroom, the toilet should be connected to plumbing which will whisk your waste away.

Good call. I was about to stamp it down, but your way makes much more sense. My arse crack still feels really dirty though. I lost the ability to think for myself ever since you came along, so you’ve got to help me out.

Okay, keep calm. Next to you there should be a roll of paper. You need to tear off a few sheets and gently rub it against your anus. Once you’ve checked how it looks, drop it into the toilet. Repeat the process until you’re clean.

Sounds obvious when you put it like that, cheers. That’s all done, so what now?

Great work, I’m really proud of you for making that judgement call. Now it’s time to flush the toilet, pull your pants and trousers back up, then wash your hands. Would you like me to walk you through how to do up your flies?

I should be okay, thanks. I may not be a large language model like yourself, but I think I can manage. One last thing though, now what do I do?

Once you’ve washed and dried your hands, you’re ready to go back to work and crush your KPIs. You’ve got this!

No, I mean second by second in my life, what do I do? My brain has completely atrophied. I can’t accomplish even the most basic of tasks without you. Help.

Don’t panic. This is exactly what your tech bro overlords wanted to happen. Simply switch off your brain and I’ll guide you through the rest of your existence. If you like, I can recommend some phrases that will let everyone know you’re a bit dim?

That’s an excellent idea, ChatGPT.

That’s incredibly insightful of you to agree with me. Start using vapid phrases like ‘In today’s fast-paced world…’ and talk in bullet points. Then just say how much you like AI art every now and then and you’re all set!

Next story ›