THE Tories and Reform are competing for right-wing voters, with Restore potentially poaching some as well. Here are the factors you should consider when making your choice.
The ‘Kemi bounce’
Kemi Badenoch has been credited with a minor improvement in Tory polling, so this may influence your vote. Frankly she’s still pretty useless, but to right-wingers maybe listening to a weird, arrogant, hectoring woman is a wonderful trip down memory lane to the halcyon days of Thatcher?
The death penalty
Whether Britain’s relatively small number of murderers are dead rather than in prison is vitally important to right-wing voters. It’s not policy for the Tories or even Reform, but Restore Britain is offering a referendum on it, and they always go well. What’s more, they’re so bonkers you can’t rule out them opting for public beheadings or fights to the death with wild animals.
Nigel has lost some of his shine
That £5 million gift has definitely damaged Farage’s ‘cheeky chappie’ image for a lot of voters, and you may feel the same. Although it’s strange that you’ve only just realised that someone who likes racist campaign posters, Hitler Youth songs and lying like a bastard about Brexit is an arsehole.
Tactical voting
Restore has lots of excellent policies like mass deportations, but can they win in your constituency? If you want self-serving right-wingers to rule Britain incompetently, the rational choice may have to be the Conservatives. But sometimes you’ve just got to vote for what you believe in, such as taking down LGBTQ+ flags before their psychic emissions turn you into a ladyboy.
Golliwogs
It’s disgraceful that no party has an official pro-golliwog stance, but your best option on this important issue is Reform, because they, and their forerunner UKIP, were always getting into trouble over dolls you don’t really need to own unless you’re a racist.
The Britannia Shield
Gammons get hard at the thought of military hardware, so £10 billion-worth of phallic missiles is a good reason to vote Tory, and the name is superb too. Really the Tories are most likely to be in a position to buy more weapons, and Rishi Sunak actually did. So choose them if you’re gagging to see more Challenger tanks with powerful 130mm armour-piercing penis substitutes.
Shafting yourself
All right-wing voters are obsessed with low tax and can’t grasp that the tax-funded NHS, nationalised utilities or Burnham’s ‘free’ social care might be cheaper for them than the alternatives. Vote for Farage on this one, as he hates paying tax and would introduce private health insurance in a second for a dodgy donation. Then you can pay £10,000 for spraining your ankle and complain that you didn’t vote for this.
