Man with broken toaster resigns himself to starvation

A MAN whose toaster has broken has admitted that he now has no idea what to base meals around. 

Tom Logan, aged 29, has been making food for himself since leaving home a decade ago but did not realise until now that everything began with cooked bread.

He said: “What else can you do with food if you don’t put it on toast? I can’t just put it on naked porcelain. That’s just wrong. Like getting into bed with no sheet on the mattress.

“Cheese, eggs, beans, salad cream, bacon: they’re all toast-based. The only other thing I can think of is Sunday roast, and that has to be cooked by a professional in a pub. People can’t do that at home.

“So basically I’m screwed. I’ll just have to starve, like people did before toasters were invented.”

He added: “Make toast in the microwave? No. No, I think it would be better to die.”

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Six Christmas gifts for the gammon in your life

WONDERING what to get that relative who’s a permanently angry fanatical Brexiter? Look no further – here’s the perfect selection: 

Tickets to Question Time

The equivalent of taking a theatre buff to see Mark Rylance in Richard III. Try to attend one in a solid Leave area like Lincolnshire with a big name like Francois or Farage and a hate figure like Anna Soubry they can have a good boo at.

A Jacob Rees-Mogg playset

It takes little effort to combine a farm and mansion playset into a replica of Rees-Mogg’s Gloucestershire mansion. Then make Jacob and his chums by adapting charity shop action figures, adding a tiny, ill-fitting double-breasted suit for him and a drawn-on scowl for Annunziata.

Anger management classes

Being furious is part of the fun of Brexit so they won’t thank you for this, but their heart will. Think of it as buying a Fitbit for a seriously obese friend.

A romantic weekend at Bovington Tank Festival

If, God help you, you’re romantically involved with a gammon, what could be a nicer gift than spending quality time together reliving World War Two? The photo of them poking proudly out of a Challenger turret will be their Facebook profile pic for years to come.

A Richard Littlejohn book

Everyone gets a ‘funny’ book for Christmas, and leading gammon Littlejohn has turned out tons of interchangable volumes about politically correct Britain. And due to being unreadable they’re great value for money, with copies available on Amazon for as little as £0.01.

Brexit

You can’t really get them Brexit for Christmas, obviously, because the Brexit they want is impossible and not real, but gifts like pro-Brexit mugs are freely available. If they want the real thing they’ll have to wait until Christmas 2025, or much later.