Corbyn gets coveted Pete Doherty endorsement

LABOUR are thought to be on the verge of victory after winning the much-coveted endorsement of Libertines frontman Pete Doherty. 

Doherty, a much-respected political kingmaker and lifelong drug addict, gave his endorsement from the stage of a Manchester gig last night, leaving the Tories facing electoral disaster.

Political analyst Denys Finch Hatton said: “The Conservatives can’t come back from this. They’re finished.

“For most of the last 20 years, general elections have been decided based on endorsements from the stars of 00s indie. Gordon Brown lost in 2010 when the Arctic Monkeys’ Alex Turner withdrew his support, while Nick Clegg surged with backing from Brandon Flowers.

“But Doherty’s the big daddy of them all. It’s widely thought that Labour only lost in 2017 because he was in a crack den and issued his endorsement a fortnight too late.”

Doherty said: “I’ve been carefully weighing all the various factors – Brexit, austerity, the probability of a hung parliament – and, though not without reservations, Corbyn’s my choice.

“Now, where can I get a massive breakfast and some heroin?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Elect me you little sh*ts

by Boris Johnson, leader of the Conservative party

GOOD day. My message to you, on the final day before the general election, is stop buggering around and vote for me, you little sh*ts. 

I’ve spent the last four weeks determinedly not f**king up. I haven’t said any of the things I really think about you, or any of the things I’m going to do to you. I’ve been heroic in my restraint.

When you’ve berated me, in your sh*tty Northern towns, I’ve smiled and taken it. I’ve acted like you have every right to call me a d*ckhead to my face, even though I’m born to rule and you’re subhuman scum.

I have kept my half of the bargain. So what I require of you now – especially you, the voters in Labour constituencies who’ve somehow allowed yourselves to believe I’m on your side – is to get out and f**king vote.

That’s all. After that, I will ask nothing of you ever again and will never again think of you and your pathetic, weak concerns. I hate you. Do as you’re bloody well told.