Maniac puts banana in rucksack

AN absolute maniac has been seen putting a banana in their rucksack completely unprotected before then heading off to work.

Martin Bishop intends to eat the banana as an afternoon snack unaware that his commute to work will cause it to be a brutalised shadow of its former self.

He said: “What’s the big deal? It’ll be fine, won’t it?”

Eyewitness Joanna Kramer said: “I saw him put the banana in his rucksack even though he must know by the time he gets to work the banana will be a smear of fruity jizz spread over the lining of his bag.

“I thought Martin was a sensible, smart guy, which is why I married him. I now have grave concerns about his brain.”

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Woman has kid just to avoid socialising

A WOMAN has confirmed she only gave birth so that she would no longer have to attend social functions.

Jane Thomson announced on her family’s Whatsapp group that she endured the blinding agony of childbirth solely on the proviso that she could use her child as a get-out-of-jail-free card.

Thomson said: “Sh*tting myself in front of the nurses was totally worth it. You’ve got to think long term.

“My kid’s an investment that pays off every time some dreary party rolls around. I’ve dodged holidays with the in-laws, work leaving drinks, and ghastly team building exercises.

“All I have to do is make some vague reference to ‘colic’ and everyone backs off. I should be able to milk this until my son’s a teenager. But if he lets the cat out of the bag before then I can just pop another one out.”