Middle class child in gastropub orders off-menu

A BRATTY middle-class child in a gastropub has ordered off-menu with the full approval of his dreadful parents, it has emerged. 

Nine-year-old Joshua Hudson was shown the children’s options at the Plough & Dragon in Norfolk but instead asked for three venison sausages with butter-braised cabbage and port-and-rosemary gravy. 

Waiter Tom Booker said: “When they came in half an hour late from a country walk with their expensive outdoor gear and bloody labrador I instantly thought: ’Here we f**king go.’

“We’re a simple country pub but we’ve built up a bit of a reputation for our kitchen over the last few years so naturally we’re a magnet for twats. I tell you what, though, this lot were next-level.

“First the boy wants to sit at the big table for seven, but we were too busy. That got his tits up. Then I handed him the kid’s menu and he looked at me like I’d thrown down a snotty napkin before saying ‘Do you have venison sausages?’

“I said I could check with the kitchen but he said ‘Well you’re not going to check with the chancellor of the exchequer are you?’ His mum decided this merited a photo, including my red face, and his dad said ‘You’ll be on 8 Out of 10 Cats at this rate, Josh’. He won’t.

“And guess who came up to the bar two hours later with his dad’s debit card to settle the tab? Oh yes, I shit you not.”

Brand name baked beans: Five purchases that will now bankrupt you

POPPING to the shops for a few bits? Be careful. Adding these items to your basket could now ruin you financially.

Brand name baked beans

You were warned against buying brand name goods by the government for a reason. Now, thanks to 9.1 per cent inflation, scanning a tin of Heinz at the self-checkout will make it display an error message and set off an alarm. You’ll then be given a thorough credit check. Fail it and Sainsbury’s staff will take you round the back for a beating. Stick to budget own-brand next time.

A pint of milk

Not knowing the price of a pint of milk is a common sign you’re out of touch with reality. But now you’ll be studying the price like a hawk to decide whether you can afford the insane luxury of Weetabix with milk instead of dry. The alternatives don’t help either. Vegan milk costs a sodding fortune and tastes like shit. But as anyone who’s ever bought some will attest, one carton lasts bloody ages.

Bread

Bread’s got grain in it, which used to cost f**k all. Thanks to Putin though the price has spiralled out of control. By the time you get from the bread aisle to the checkout its value will have multiplied exponentially and you’ll be forced to remortgage your home to complete the transaction. Then you’ll still need to find 10p for the plastic bag, only it will be £75 by now.

Petrol

Petrol wasn’t cheap to begin with. Thanks to inflation though it feels like you’re pouring liquid gold into your car. You’d take a petrol can to the pumps and panic buy if you could but you’re not on £250,000 a year. You’re helping the planet by driving less and you’re super-fit from walking everywhere, but once your shoes wear out you’ll have to stay at home for the rest of your life, surviving by eating bits of carpet.

Anything, really

Pretty much everything that’s goods or services now costs a fortune. Topping up your electricity key will send you into the red. A steak will make the supermarket till give off steam and explode. Picking up a meal deal will result in your home getting repossessed by the bank. Your best bet is to spend your last bit of cash on a tent and go live in the wilderness. Rainwater and beetles are nutritious and free.