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Partner always in front of every f**king kitchen drawer man needs to get into

A WOMAN is always standing directly in front of whatever kitchen drawer her partner needs to open.  

When Martin Bishop is cooking a meal, his girlfriend Emma Bradshaw manages to block every place he needs to get into, wherever it is in the kitchen.

Oliver said: “I don’t know how she does it, but every utensil, pan or plate I need is in the drawer or cupboard she is standing right in front of.

“I’m trying to cook a meal for six people and she’s there leisurely sipping a glass of wine, chatting shit and getting in my f**king way. I can’t even open the oven without having to ask her to shift her arse.

“I am not sure how a five-foot two woman can take up so much space but when I’m cooking, she seems to be everywhere. She then has the cheek to ask if she can do anything to help. Yes, kindly piss off out of the kitchen.”

Emma Bradshaw said: “Martin seems to think I do it on purpose. I don’t, but the irritation it causes him does keep me entertained while he’s fannying around like a budget Jamie Oliver.”

Retired mum yet to find hobby as fulfilling as pestering her children

DESPITE having time to pursue a range of interests, a retired mum has decided what she really enjoys is badgering her grown-up children.

Margaret Gerving considered taking up traditional retirement activities such as gardening and buying a f**k off massive camper van but found that they were not as fun as ringing up her daughter and asking her about pointless shit.

Margaret said: “It’s been a wonderful hobby to get into. Yesterday, I spent more than an hour getting her to look up an obscure relative of mine to see if they were on Facebook and then called back ten minutes later to tell her about a bird I saw on the patio.

“I’ll ring her several times tomorrow as well, just to talk about inane bollocks. I might even go round to her house and criticise the cleanliness of her kitchen, even though she’s juggling full-time work and raising two kids. Tremendous fun.”

Her daughter Helen Gerving said: “I wish she would sod off and find something else to do. And then I remember the huge inheritance coming my way and magically manage to find another sliver of patience from somewhere.”