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15 things being asked on Quora that prove humanity is doomed

DO you sometimes browse Q&A sites like Quora and wikiHow? And then wonder if humanity has gone mad? Here’s a sample of the most troubling questions.

How do I successfully date a woman? 

Because six cliched tips on wikiHow are right for all females and situations. Flowers and date nights. That’s about it.

Is ET based on a true story? 

Yes, there really was an alien helped by a boy called Elliott. It’s all there in the news archives, history books and scientific journals.

How do I stop myself becoming a ghost? 

You might have noticed a big assumption here, ie. that ghosts exist. And that there are well-known practical methods of controlling supernatural forces, like setting your boiler pressure.

What is bread made from? 

Lack the most basic life knowledge? Ask other f**kwits on Quora who’ll confidently reply: ‘Oil, flavourings and chalk.’

Are we living in the Matrix? 

Or: ‘Dude, I saw The Matrix while doing a righteous bong and it blew my mind’. This okay sci-fi film is the most profound idea in human history for the morons on Quora.

Where can I learn more about conspiracies? 

Not in the academic/sociological sense, but ‘Was 9/11 an inside job by NASA?’ You definitely need to learn more stuff like that.

How do I build a helicopter? 

If you’ve got an ambitious and potentially lethal project like this in mind, the only answer should be ‘For f**k’s sake, don’t’.

Is the [insert piece of military hardware here] a piece of shit? 

What’s worrying here is the sheer volume of opinionated yet pointless and clueless debate about weapons the weirdos on the site will never use in real life. Hopefully.

Does free will exist? 

Sometimes there’s a valid philosophical question, but the answers will be flooded with inane religious platitudes, eg. ‘Yes! You have the free will to accept Jesus into your heart!’

Do dreamcatchers work? 

With no basis in science, evidence or common sense, you can hazard a guess at ‘no’. One of the many questions that screams ‘You don’t need a Q&A forum to find this out’.

Are dogs psychic? 

An anonymous person responding ‘My French bulldog knows when my husband is coming home’ is conclusive proof of telepathy by Quora’s rigorous standards.

Is France a country?

One of countless questions that are just baffling. See also: ‘Can I eat cheese with meat?’ and ‘Does David Blaine use real magic?’

How do I tell if I’m tall? 

An actual question, and one that can adequately be answered by asking ‘Am I tall?’

What sort of crystal should I buy? 

Any New Age query will get entirely serious, even knowledgeable-sounding answers, as if the whole belief system isn’t just arbitrary, eg. ‘Obsidian will prevent feelings of negativity.’

How do I summon a demon? 

Your extreme gullibility is matched only by your extreme stupidity, since no (fictional) attempt to summon pure evil has ever ended well.

Has Insulate Britain brought out your inner fascist?

MEMBERS of the public are suggesting extreme measures against Insulate Britain. Here’s what Britain’s closet fascists would like to do…

Restrain them with cable ties

Highly illegal, not to mention the fact that cable ties were the preferred restraint of Abu Ghraib guards, and remain popular with abductors and gangland torturers. Definitely no unhealthy sadistic power trip undertones here.

Run them over

Some drivers feel giving protesters a firm nudge with a Range Rover is okay; others think mowing them down like skittles is reasonable too. Letting the public decide the law on a whim is rarely a good idea, which would lead to the death penalty for most things and internment camps for teenagers.

Put them in the stocks  

Tongue-in-cheek, or entirely serious? It’s hard to tell, but it makes a change from armchair Judge Dredds demanding ridiculous prison sentences, eg. 20 years for non-violent protesting, as if that would ever happen. Or repeating their beloved ancient cliche: ‘And throw away the key!’

Praise actual brutal regimes

Insulate Britain haters are creaming themselves over how China or North Korea would batter and probably torture the protestors, but why stop there? The Greeks could have cooked them alive in a metal bull and Vlad the Impaler could have put them on spikes. Imagining inhuman regimes is such a laugh.

Send in the army

The nutter’s solution to everything, but the police are already there and few generals want to get involved in manhandling middle-class greenies. Unless the idea is to shoot them, in which case you’re already in ‘homicidal South American dictator’ territory.

Urinate on them

An actual suggestion by one Daily Mail commenter. He wanted drivers to do it en masse, implying he’s more interested in organising a pervy ‘golden shower’ orgy than making sure ambulances get through.