'Peel here' and other food packaging lies

WE’RE all used to being lied to by friends and romantic partners, but it’s particularly upsetting when our trusted supermarket packaging does it. Here are some blatant lies they will expect you to swallow.

‘Peel here’

The peelable flap you find on packs of stuff like bacon or ham is one of history’s greatest scams. The flap either breaks right off in your hand or requires the finger strength of an Olympic mountain climber to get any purchase at all. You’ll have more chance of getting into Beyonce’s knickers than a pack of eight smoked rashers.

‘Serves two’

In an ideal world, we’d all eat the little one-person portions we’re given and feel satisfied. But this is the real world, and we have to accept that – in portion terms – most of us are not one person, but two. Or three people on weekends. This lie doesn’t actually stop people eating larger portions – but it does make them feel like losers.  

‘Same great taste’

Companies love to cut the amount of salt and sugar in their foods and then boast that it still tastes just as good – total bollocks, obviously. The main reason most of us eat anything at all is to get more delicious salt and sugar into our bodies. Making food healthier is a nice thing to do but at least be honest about it, eg. ‘Tastes of f**k all now – but you might live beyond 50.’

‘All natural ingredients’

Words like ‘natural’ and ‘organic’ make us feel good – like we’re all pure and at one with Mother Earth. And what could be more natural than chowing down on some titanium dioxide, sodium benzoate and butylated hydroxyanisole? Mmm, just like your dear old mum uses in her Lancashire hotpot. Even the more natural-sounding ingredients are scary and confusing. No normal human being knows what xantham gum or carrageenan are.

‘Stays fresh’

Like the Bermuda Triangle and Area 51, packaging that promises to keep things fresh is one of the great paranormal mysteries of our time. In reality any vegetables bearing this label inexplicably age at a massively accelerated rate and turn into brownish mush like you’re watching a timelapse video. The only solution is eating an entire head of lettuce whenever you fancy a leafy salad.

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Wedding vows too needy and clingy, guests agree

THE solemn promises being made by a bride and groom in front of God sound a bit needy and clingy, wedding guests feel.

Witnesses to the marriage of Jack Browne and Lucy Parry agree that vowing to stay together through sickness and health until they die comes across as a bit over-the-top and they both need to dial it down a notch.

Bridesmaid Helen Archer said: “Men like to have a bit of independence in a relationship. Hearing that Lucy will be stuck to him like a limpet from this day forward might scare him off at the most crucial moment.

“It wouldn’t be so bad if the vows only applied for a year or two, then they could review it like a phone contract. As it is, the promise of a lifetime of unconditional love and support sounds a bit stifling.”

Best man Martin Bishop said: “I’m already cringing and they haven’t even got to the personalised vows yet. What’s with all this ‘to have and to hold’ and ‘love and cherish always’ bollocks, bro? What happened to playing hard to get?

“Women love it when you treat ‘em mean and keep ‘em keen. If you pledge to be loyal to for the rest of your life you may as well say ‘Please slob out in un-sexy sweatshirts and eat biscuits in bed. The ones with really itchy crumbs.’”