Restaurant with own 'kitchen garden' still incredibly expensive

A RESTAURANT growing its own produce in full view of diners is only reminding them vegetables come out of the ground and are basically free. 

The Bell Pepper in Uxbridge is proudly showcasing its farm-to-table concept which only serves to throw the 500 per cent mark-up into sharper relief.

Diner Nathan Muir said: “This starter’s got nettles in. Now that is taking the piss.

“Nine quid for a load of leaves they’ve run under the tap to get the soil off. I could grab a handful of Swiss chard on the way to the loo and do it myself.

“It cost £100. The waiter was proud of the carrots having zero food miles. All I could think of was that they’d made fuck all effort to get to my plate.”

Waiter Stephen Malley said: “Have you seen the size of the kitchen garden? It’s tiny, we get 75 covers a day, and people pour drinks in it.

“We buy all this in.”

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Five dating tips if you just want to get back with your ex

ARE you back on the dating scene but still madly in love with your ex? Here’s how to keep their memory alive while you play the field. 

Mention your ex constantly

You’re having a starter? My ex never had a starter. You like red wine? My ex preferred white. You don’t want to talk about my ex? Well that’s a change, because they talked about themselves all the bloody time. Your friend’s called with an emergency and you’re getting an Uber now? I will shout random facts about my ex as you drive away.

Give handy hints on how to be more like your ex

Your ex was great, so it’s only natural your new partner will want to learn from them. Tips like ‘Rob used to wear white trainers’ or “Suzi never used that much hairspray’. If you’re sleeping together, tell them what your ex used to do in bed. They’ll appreciate the tutorial.

Visit places you went to with your ex

Why drop perfectly good restaurants, bars, or small hotels on the Rio Della Pieta in Venice just because you and your ex used to eat there, drink there or make long, passionate love there? They’re road-tested and romance-ready. And if you bump into your ex hey, small world.

Stay in touch with your ex

Text your ex frequently, laughing uproariously at their comments. Never miss their Instagram story. If your ex needs a favour immediately drop everything and rush over. This will prove you’re one of those mature, worldly-wise people who can stay friends with someone they’ve seen naked.

Get back together with your ex

New partners are great, but your ex is the one. So abruptly and without apology end your new relationship. Whoever you’ve been dating should be happy for you since you’ve explained how amazing your ex is, but to be on the safe side park your car on a neighbouring street for a few weeks.