Scotch eggs, and other British foods that leave Americans traumatised

AMERICA is apparently the land of the free and home of the brave. But even they can’t pluck up the courage to enjoy classic British food, like this:

Pork scratchings

Only ever purchased in dodgy pubs when absolutely hammered and the landlord’s out of peanuts, it’s a mystery even to Brits that pork scratchings haven’t been banned by environmental health. Though Americans love consuming meat, they are also used to their food being completely sanitised, so finding a genuine pig hair on their tasty skin-and-fat snack might make them vomit into their drink.

Ginsters pasties

People from the US love highly processed food, so you’d think mechanically separated meat injected into a pastry suitcase would be right up their alley. No, their problem here would be with the minuscule size of the portion, which they could chuck down their gullet without evening registering it had happened. However, as inventors of the drive-thru, they would enjoy that Ginsters products are only allowed to be consumed in a car after being purchased from a grimy service station.


You’d think Americans would love the olde worlde appeal of Marmite, invented by a scientist in Staffordshire in 1902. And they probably do like the charmingly retro packaging and quirkily British ad campaigns about loving or hating it. However, when they unscrew the lid and are faced with a stinking, viscous substance blacker than the bowels of hell, they will physically recoil. And they’re right to, because it’s disgusting.

Scotch egg

When you consider it objectively, a boiled egg enveloped in minced sausage, dipped in breadcrumbs and deep fried sounds pretty grim. Americans are too lily-livered to try this delicacy, which is a shame as, if you don’t think too hard about what you’re consuming, they are delicious. Anyway, Americans have no idea what they’re talking about when it comes to food. They purchase and eat raw cookie dough as a treat, the mentalists.


Who in their right mind would want to eat food literally made of mould? This is what Americans ask themselves when offered a stinking slice of blue Stilton. However, they do not have a leg to stand on in this arena as the only cheese they have offered the world is Velveeta, which is basically reconstituted melted plastic, and spray cheese, which comes in a can and is a crime against humanity. So they should shut up and enjoy our feet-tasting morsels of deliciousness.


You’d expect Americans to be delighted by haggis, given that 90 percent of them claim to be related to an ancient Scottish clansman, just because their grandma’s grandma had the surname Taylor. However, faced with the prospect of consuming minced lung, oats and suet stuffed into a sheep’s stomach, they quickly reject their Celtic heritage. Which is fair enough, as haggis is hideous and even the English won’t touch it with a bargepole.

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Nation to boo NHS at 8pm

THE people of Britain are planning to throw open their windows and boo the NHS this evening at 8pm, it has been confirmed.

Britain’s day of shame is set to climax tonight when people across the country will stand on their doorsteps and bang pots and pans in a mass show of condemnation of the NHS blood scandal.

Roy Hobbs from Woking said: “If we give the NHS credit when it’s due, we’ve got to let them know when they’ve catastrophically failed as well. Fair’s fair.

“Come this evening, the streets of Britain will be filled with a deafening chorus of jeers that will unite the public in an expression of sheer bloody outrage. With some extra expletives at the end for Rishi Sunak’s mealy-mouthed, far-too-late apology.”

Nikki Hollis from Clevedon said: “While this won’t change the awfulness of what has happened, it will make me feel a bit better to have a good old yell about how badly the state f**ks over its citizens and how we can’t do anything to change that. Voting for a different government doesn’t seem to help, after all.

“Of course we’ll ruin it by trying to top it next week, and the whole thing will seem like an embarrassing fever dream. But for one night at least, it’ll be something truly special.”