Skilled lover or a bit common: What does your takeaway delivery say about you?

TAKEAWAY deliveries are more popular than ever, but what does your meal say about your social class, personality and lovemaking skills? Read on and find out.

Domino’s Pizza

You are not going to enjoy hearing this, but it has to be said. A liking of Domino’s bog-standard pizza means you are unadventurous in bed. Try something other than the missionary position before your partner leaves you for a libertine who likes Pizza Express ones with loads of chillis. 

Delivery from a gastropub

This firmly establishes your middle-class status, especially if you eat your massively overpriced meal of mezze flatbread and pomegranate salad in a home full of unread books by Noam Chomsky and Salman Rushdie while excessively praising Marina Hyde’s latest article in the Guardian. 

Kebab meat and chips 

For people who fear the wild exoticism of pitta bread and salad. You need to be more aspirational and break out of your self-limiting, peasant-like view of the world and aim higher. Start by having the kebab meat in a bap with some mayonnaise.

Fried chicken bucket

Note: bucket. No one tells you where to draw the line, you crazy mutha! Rather than gnawing off every last bit of meat from one of the 30-or-so chicken pieces, you just start a new one. You are unafraid of new challenges, an enthusiastic lover and a genuine rebel. Although you have been having strange twinges in your left side recently.

McDonald’s

If you are overcome with joy by having a Big Mac brought to you on a bicycle, maybe it is time to rethink your life.

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Wetherspoons is, and has always been, a restaurant

THE Wetherspoons chain of restaurants will remain open in tier three areas because they only serve alcohol as an accompaniment to cordon bleu meals. 

The restaurants, which have a two-month waiting list for reservations and a strict dress code, have remained open in Liverpool because alcohol is not a core part of their business. 

Maître d’ Nathan Muir said: “Of course the discerning diners of Birkenhead will be able to enjoy a chilled glass of Le Montrachet with their sole meunière. Civilisation’s light is not yet snuffed, after all. 

“Naturally there are gourmets so enamoured with our spectacular menus that they visit daily, often from 10am. And perhaps they cleanse their palates with a pitcher or two of Hawaiian Pipeline Punch. 

“But they do not come to us to drink. That’s as ridiculous as suggesting they come here just to be somewhere dry and warm. 

“We must remain open so the gastronomes of Liverpool can be sated. The people of Toxteth all agree that life without a plate of Wetherspoons’ famous escargots à la bourguignonne is life unlived.” 

Muir added: “This attack on our business is politically motivated because our owner is a proud Europhile who loves continental Europe. As Tim always says, ‘Vive la EU!’”