Man finds 'the one' for the 18th time

A MAN believes he has found the only person in the world he is meant to be with for the 18th time, it has emerged.

Deluded romantic Tom Booker thinks new girlfriend Nikki Hollis is his soulmate, despite the fact that he felt the same way about numerous other partners and has repeatedly been proven wrong.

Booker said: “We were getting along well enough but when she told me she likes films and cheese I knew she was the one. I mean, it’s not every day you have things like that in common.

“I also can’t believe my kindred spirit lives within a 20-mile radius so Tinder could find her. If she was knocking about in a hut on the Siberian plains we would never have found each other. Talk about lucky.

“I’m not looking forward to telling the lads, though. They’ll just roll their eyes and remind me that love is a chemical reaction caused by the brain releasing dopamine. You know, the usual lad banter.”

Hollis said: “I thought Tom might be the one too, but I’m not sure we should get married next month because we both vaguely like The Simpsons.”

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How are you being a dick about the new restrictions already?

IS your natural instinct to treat the three-tier lockdown as a load of bollocks that doesn’t apply to you? Here are some great ways to be a dick. 

Have a street party

Not a proper party – they have music and, if you’re very posh, cashew nuts. This is more just getting pissed in the street. Ignore social distancing and shout a lot to imply you are having a f**king amazing time and not just standing in a cold, damp street with a can of Strongbow.

Pretend you’re totally confused in an annoying way

The government’s strategy has been crap, but it’s easy to look up local restrictions. Pretend you can’t do this and say “What the bloody hell is a Tier 2? Does that mean me wife’s got to live in a different house?”. You will find this easy because you are already used to saying things like “What’s all these transsexuals about, eh?”.

Continue as if nothing has happened

Obviously some places will be shut, but aside from that there’s a good chance of not being inconvenienced by Covid at all. There are only so many police officers to enforce the rules, and Britons’ painful politeness means you can probably meander round Asda without a mask and just get the occasional ‘tut’. 

Moronic denialism 

Encourage others to ignore the restrictions by sharing your witless opinions, eg. “All the experts say it’s no worse than a touch of flu” or “Did you know you’re more likely to get crushed to death by cows? I read it somewhere.”

‘Cleverly’ exploit any loopholes

In a Tier 3 ‘high risk’ zone? Go to a pub that’s open because it serves food and order the cheapest thing on the menu. Ha! You win. And being a dick you will enjoy triumphantly relating this tale of how you ‘beat the system’ for months to come, assuming you’re not dead from Covid.