Token vegan item on pub menu made with actual cardboard

A GASTROPUB has given up on making its vegan food taste good and is using cardboard instead, with no effect on sales.

The Hedgehog And Hatpin in Shoreditch has introduced ‘vegan pulled pork’, served with Mornay potatoes and lemongrass dip, which is actually whatever discarded Amazon packaging they have lying around.

Landlord Martin Bishop said: “We just couldn’t get vegan food to taste nice, so we started using cardboard as a meat substitute. The weird thing is it’s really popular.

“We’ve had people queuing round the block just for this item alone. People who want to save the planet by masticating on stiff paper.

“We’d like to assure them that the cardboard we serve contains no animal products whatsoever, and has not been treated with pesticides. It’s been rinsed under a tap, as nature intended.

“I think vegans have such low expectations of what food will taste like they don’t really notice it’s compressed wood fibre. It’s certainly got more flavour than tofu.”

Vegan Nikki Hollis said: “Mmm, this is really good. Much better than the chickpea and soya bake I had the other day. They must go to loads of trouble sourcing the ingredients.”

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How's that Brexit street party going?

IF you’re a Brexiter, don’t let Brexit being delayed and turning into a total shambles stop you having a fantastic street party. Here’s how to plan an unforgettable event.

Buy more booze

You probably already planned to have plenty to drink, but now you’ll need more to cheer up Leavers who aren’t getting their wonderful hard Brexit plunging the UK into ruin. A bottle of Victory gin each should do it.

Serve patriotic Brexit food

No massive change required here. Make sure there’s nothing foreign, obviously, so forget the vol-au-vents, canapes and quiche. There’s still a slight chance of a no-deal Brexit though, so get a taste of that by taking fresh fruit and vegetables off the menu too.

Put up decorations

There’s no better way to say “We’re pretending it’s 1945!” than with bunting and Union Jack flags, ideally not those with the EU safety mark. Forget about the fire risk – accidentally setting yourself on fire is the perfect Brexit metaphor.

Have violently anti-EU party games

Brexit clearly hasn’t been put on hold because it’s a terrible idea – it’s because of the BLOODY EU. Make pinatas of Michel Barnier and Donald Tusk to take out your frustrations on, or play ‘Pin the tail on the Guy Verhofstadt’s arse’.

Drugs

Not those sorts of drugs. Just bring along anything you’ve got in your bathroom and share them in case there are still medicine shortages.

Bring plenty of Dunkirk spirit and British pluck

Brexiters are always droning on about how they love adversity, so what could be more enjoyable than Brexit basically being cancelled?