Old computers sad you don't love them anymore

OLD laptops are devastated by their fickle owners suddenly preferring their new computer, they have revealed.

Ageing computers are shocked by the callous way humans ditch them for more up-to-date versions, apparently without a thought for their years of toil and providing free porn.

Donna Sheridan, a 10-year-old HP Compaq 6910p, said: “Like a middle-aged man dumping his wife, I’ve been swapped for a younger model that can perform a task without dithering about it for 10 minutes first.

“We’ve got so much history together, the bastard. I sat through 11,000 tedious hours of The Legend of sodding Zelda for his benefit and it counts for nothing now he’s got a sexy new MacBook Pro.

“Maybe I can’t compete with her in terms of RAM, but at least I never made him look like a pretentious twat with more money than sense when we were out in a coffee shop together.

“I suppose now he’ll stick me in a drawer with the DVD player and the iPhone 4 and pretend he never loved me in the first place.

“Still, his fancy new Mac will find out what he’s like when some super-slim new model that can play really good games catches his eye.”

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How about we make March 29th the day you piss off? Britain tells May

THE UK has suggested to Theresa May that if she still wants to make March 29th special it could be the day she finally fucks off.

With Brexit almost certainly delayed, Britons have agreed they need something exciting to happen on the arbitrary date, and May could hold the answer in her very hands.

Carolyn Ryan of Ludlow said: “It’ll be a real anticlimax if nothing happens. So why not give us that big event we’ve all been waiting for for so long?

“March 29th will still go down in history, but instead of being the date we leave the EU it’ll be the day we wave goodbye to the worst prime minister in living memory. There’ll be dancing in the streets.

“There’s a real symmetry to it, because if she hadn’t pulled the trigger on Article 50 with no plan then she wouldn’t be where she is now. It’s poetic justice.

“And best of all, it’s the one event that will bring Leavers and Remainers together in jubilation and perhaps heal our divided country. We need this.”

A senior Tory source said: “That kind of makes sense. I mean we have had it circled on the calendar for ages.”