Dog horrified to see his turd on Facebook

A GERMAN shepherd was shocked to see the massive shit he did on his morning walk plastered all over the local Facebook community page.

Seven-year-old Alsatian Tom Logan was even more horrified to find that the picture of his enormous turd had garnered 514 comments and 65 likes.

Logan said: “This is typical 2019 really. You can’t even shit without the world knowing all about it. Nothing is sacred any more.

“I have no idea why my owner Steve didn’t clean it up. Maybe he forgot the plastic bags or maybe he’s an arsehole who doesn’t give a toss if today’s dogshit-unaware children think it’s a chocolate bar.”

Local resident Nathan Muir, who posted the photograph, said: “I just feel that fouling dog owners need to be named and shamed. It gives me an almost sexual feeling of power.

“Also I haven’t had this many likes on Facebook since I posted a picture of a car parked ever-so-slightly up on the kerb on the high street.”

Logan added: “I had no idea my shits were so photogenic. That Valencia filter really made it stand out against the school gate background.”

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How to humiliate yourself trying to pull someone out of your league

ARE you wrongly convinced you can woo that really attractive friend or person at work? Here’s how to embarrass yourself horribly.

Tell yourself it’s their personality not their looks

It’s important to believe you’re not shallow, so vastly exaggerate the attractive person’s qualities, eg. reading The Girl on the Train makes them a fascinating intellectual. Enough humiliation is heading your way anyway.

Develop an awkward ‘friend zone’ relationship

You know the sort of thing – become good friends but in a way that somehow de-sexualises you, like a brother or sister, or adorable little Pomeranian dog.

Get used to having weird evenings

Gone are the days of relaxed, boozy evenings in the pub. Socialising with the attractive person will involve talking to them as much as possible and worrying that someone else is trying to chat them up, in a joyous combination of logistics and stalking.

You may also meet their mates. These will always include a guy who your unattainable partner thinks is hilarious but who is an utter twat, and a female friend who – rightly – always seems to be sneering at you.

Get totally wasted and declare your undying love

Assuming they don’t secretly love you – which they don’t – this is humiliation in its purest form. Has the added bonus of working out how to apologise with a terrifying hangover while muttering ‘stupid, stupid, stupid’.

Be aware they’ll find an equally attractive partner

Eventually the attractive person will find a partner and you’ll be forced to pretend you’re totally cool with that while everyone smirks to themselves smugly. Stock up on tissues for heartbroken crying, although you may already have plenty due to sexual frustration.