Sunday, 26th January 2020

Are you clinging to your job by a thread?

JOBS. We all need them, but some of us are shit at them and may be politely told to fuck off. Take our quiz and find out if your job is hanging by a thread.

There's a big meeting in the morning. How do you prepare?

A) Get up nice and early, read any relevant documents and take a moment to focus before it starts.

B) Turn up late and contribute nothing because you’re preoccupied with not being sick in a bin due to your regular Tuesday night drinking binge.

The regional boss is coming in after lunch and you've been asked to liaise. What do you do?

A) Prepare, be on time and don't have anything too gassy with lunch.

B) Cocaine. Then improve your promotion prospects by matily hinting that he too might like a “crafty toot” of “the old showbiz sherbert”.

You're asked to stay late to catch up on some paperwork you’re behind with. How do you respond?

A) Say "No worries" and get busy catching up.

B) Stuff the paperwork in your bottom drawer with those invoices you should have processed in 2018, pretend it doesn’t exist and play computer games instead. No harm can come of that.

Your boss asks how a tricky work project that’s due on Friday is coming along. What do you do?  

A) Explain in a mature and reasonable way that you need some more time, which your boss readily accepts.

B) Panic. Drink heavily. Phone in sick with a garbled, unconvincing excuse about having diarrhoea and your cat going missing.

Mostly As: Your job is fucking tedious, but it's probably safe and you will continue to be able to buy food.

Mostly Bs: It's probably time to sign up with some job websites. Just remember to lie a lot and leave that time you fell asleep on the toilet due to a hangover off your online CV.