Are you clinging to your job by a thread?

JOBS. We all need them, but some of us are shit at them and may be politely told to fuck off. Take our quiz and find out if your job is hanging by a thread.

There’s a big meeting in the morning. How do you prepare?

A) Get up nice and early, read any relevant documents and take a moment to focus before it starts.

B) Turn up late and contribute nothing because you’re preoccupied with not being sick in a bin due to your regular Tuesday night drinking binge.

The regional boss is coming in after lunch and you’ve been asked to liaise. What do you do?

A) Prepare, be on time and don’t have anything too gassy with lunch.

B) Cocaine. Then improve your promotion prospects by matily hinting that he too might like a “crafty toot” of “the old showbiz sherbert”.

You’re asked to stay late to catch up on some paperwork you’re behind with. How do you respond?

A) Say “No worries” and get busy catching up.

B) Stuff the paperwork in your bottom drawer with those invoices you should have processed in 2018, pretend it doesn’t exist and play computer games instead. No harm can come of that.

Your boss asks how a tricky work project that’s due on Friday is coming along. What do you do?  

A) Explain in a mature and reasonable way that you need some more time, which your boss readily accepts.

B) Panic. Drink heavily. Phone in sick with a garbled, unconvincing excuse about having diarrhoea and your cat going missing.

Mostly As: Your job is fucking tedious, but it’s probably safe and you will continue to be able to buy food.

Mostly Bs: It’s probably time to sign up with some job websites. Just remember to lie a lot and leave that time you fell asleep on the toilet due to a hangover off your online CV.


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Cyclist shaves three seconds off telling-people-he's-a-cyclist time

A CYCLIST has set a new personal best in how quickly he can tell someone he is into cycling even though they are not interested.

Nathan Muir’s previous best was 9.35 seconds, with the new time standing at just 6.28, and took place during a first date with a woman who quickly decided he was a tosser.

Potential partner Joanna Kramer said: “I started to introduce myself, as you do, but before I’d finished he barked ‘I left my bike outside’ in my face.

“To be honest I’d already guessed he was into cycling because he was wearing full lycra in Pizza Express. If I was in any doubt he kept mentioning cycling throughout the meal. Really dull stuff like routes he goes on with people I don’t know.

“We won’t be seeing each other again. He insisted on drinking his Peroni out of a squeezy water bottle and asked the waiter if they had energy gels.”

Clicking the buttons on his GPS watch, Muir confirmed the record, saying: “Not bad. I could have done better but the restaurant was on an incline.”