Token vegan item on pub menu made with actual cardboard

A GASTROPUB has given up on making its vegan food taste good and is using cardboard instead, with no effect on sales.

The Hedgehog And Hatpin in Shoreditch has introduced ‘vegan pulled pork’, served with Mornay potatoes and lemongrass dip, which is actually whatever discarded Amazon packaging they have lying around.

Landlord Martin Bishop said: “We just couldn’t get vegan food to taste nice, so we started using cardboard as a meat substitute. The weird thing is it’s really popular.

“We’ve had people queuing round the block just for this item alone. People who want to save the planet by masticating on stiff paper.

“We’d like to assure them that the cardboard we serve contains no animal products whatsoever, and has not been treated with pesticides. It’s been rinsed under a tap, as nature intended.

“I think vegans have such low expectations of what food will taste like they don’t really notice it’s compressed wood fibre. It’s certainly got more flavour than tofu.”

Vegan Nikki Hollis said: “Mmm, this is really good. Much better than the chickpea and soya bake I had the other day. They must go to loads of trouble sourcing the ingredients.”