Sunday, 9th August 2020

Tub of butter approaching 50 per cent toast crumbs

A TUB of Lurpak in a family fridge has almost reached the stage of being officially half-butter, half-toast crumbs, it has emerged.

The spread has been in use for ten days and, thanks to a rigorous programme of post-toast knife scraping, is now practically a meal in itself.

Joe Turner said: “The situation just keeps getting worse. If you are careful with your knife you can sometimes skirt around the crumbs, but frankly soon you’ll need the precision of an experienced brain surgeon.

“The ratio, especially after the teenagers have their toast at 2am, has skyrocketed. You couldn’t use this butter for anything else now. It’s too black and gritty.

“God, imagine using it for scrambled eggs. Sure, eggs on toast is fine, but toast ‘in’ eggs? Something about that seems dirty and wrong to me.

“It gets to a point where you’re basically just spreading toast on toast. Or I should get another tub of butter to spread on this butter. But that’d just begin the whole shameful cycle all over again.”