Tub of butter approaching 50 per cent toast crumbs

A TUB of Lurpak in a family fridge has almost reached the stage of being officially half-butter, half-toast crumbs, it has emerged.

The spread has been in use for ten days and, thanks to a rigorous programme of post-toast knife scraping, is now practically a meal in itself.

Joe Turner said: “The situation just keeps getting worse. If you are careful with your knife you can sometimes skirt around the crumbs, but frankly soon you’ll need the precision of an experienced brain surgeon.

“The ratio, especially after the teenagers have their toast at 2am, has skyrocketed. You couldn’t use this butter for anything else now. It’s too black and gritty.

“God, imagine using it for scrambled eggs. Sure, eggs on toast is fine, but toast ‘in’ eggs? Something about that seems dirty and wrong to me.

“It gets to a point where you’re basically just spreading toast on toast. Or I should get another tub of butter to spread on this butter. But that’d just begin the whole shameful cycle all over again.”

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Five guaranteed ways to be a twat in a park

BRITAIN’S most exciting new post-lockdown hobby is being a twat in a park. Here’s how to ignore social distancing, intimidate people and generally play the arsehole. 

Pretend to be a gang

You and your mates are neither the Crips nor the Bloods, but there’s no harm in engaging in a bit of live-action roleplay. Act hard and menacing and try not to look intimidated when a retired PE teacher tells you to turn that f**king music down.

Be very drunk

A plastic cup or two Pimm’s in the park is delightful, but how about massively overdoing it? If you’re surrounded by 200 empty Stella cans, shouting wildly at passing strangers and taking a dump on a children’s roundabout, you have consumed the right amount of alcohol.

Drop all the litter

If you haven’t got enough cans, sandwich boxes and Magnum wrappers, consider looting the nearest builder’s skip and chuck bits of plasterboard and ancient carpet everywhere. Then be the sort of arsewit who says, ‘Keeps people in a job tidying it up, innit?’

Have a shit mini-festival

A Bluetooth speaker and your mate on his phone is practically an open-air rave. He’ll love having a good masturbation session on the ‘decks’, mixing hours of indistinguishable techno and/or grime with a pompous look of concentration on his face, so take earbuds if you want to listen to something decent.

Bring your twat dog

Your dog should be a twat in its own right, ideally a stocky little bastard riled up by half-arsed guard dog training. However other dogs can work just as well; any breed that lays enormous turds is good, or even a cute and harmless spaniel, if it barks ceaselessly and leaps up at everyone while you say ‘He’s just playing a game!’