Vegan caught leering at cheese

A SHAMELESS vegan has been caught ogling a block of cheese with his mouth wide open and drool hanging out.

Tom Booker, who usually shuns all animal products, was distracted by the block of Morrisons mature cheddar as he reached to pick up a carton of oat milk.

Booker said: “It was clearly flirting with me by flaunting its Strength 3 label. I blame the staff for positioning it in my sanctimonious eyeline.

“I’ll admit my heart was racing as I stood there frozen in lecherous admiration. I imagined slowly grating it over a piping hot Quorn lasagne, the double standards only adding to the intensity of the flavour.

“In my head I was only looking for a couple of seconds. It was only when the manager asked me to leave because they were closing that I realised I’d miscalculated.”

Booker’s girlfriend Helen Archer said: “Tom says this is the first time but he does it every week during the big shop.

“I honestly don’t mind, although I think he could do better than that Morrisons own-brand rubbish. Maybe the cheapness is all part of the fun?”

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Child inspired by Boris Johnson to be a lying adulterer when he grows up

A SPEECH by Boris Johnson at a primary school has made a child want to follow in the footsteps of his new hero.

Six-year-old Josh Hudson was so impressed by the prime minister’s surprise visit that he has ditched plans to become a fireman or a pilot in favour of becoming an untrustworthy journalist and notorious skirt-chaser.

Hudson said: “Boris is ace. The moment he entered the classroom I could tell he’d barely prepared and was winging it. 

“When I grow up I’m going to get loads of money and power whilst being a lazy arse. I’m not being a fireman anymore, I want to be really rich while treating everything as a big joke.

“I’m going to work for a newspaper knocking out propaganda pieces about the EU, rather than real journalism, and if I have a few affairs and illegitimate kids along way, my wife can f**k off. She knew what I was like.”

Hudson’s mum Sarah said: “It’s charming to see Josh copying Boris. He wrote up ‘What I did in my summer holidays’ and it was a tissue of lies. He even claimed to to have been in a UFO.

“He’s invited all the girls in his class to his birthday party, which is nice. However I don’t really agree with him demanding £30,000 to speak to us after family dinners.”