COULD your sibling be getting more of something than you? Is that the end of the world? Here’s how to ensure life is precisely fair:
Weigh all treats
Only neglectful mothers believe two triangles of Toberone are the same. Have the scales and tears ready, commanding she slice tinier and tinier slivers until she slices a finger.
Demand parity of opportunity
If one sister’s having a sleepover? Then the other must have one, even though she’s four years younger and doesn’t have any mates. One’s doing street dance? The other must do street dance. One’s been an arsehole? The other is allowed 45 minutes of arseholery.
Time hugs
Use your tablet’s stopwatch to time hugs. If mum hugs the other sibling longer, demand the whole bedroom routine begin again. We can take all night if we need to.
Split party bags like-for-like
Lay out all items on the table. Sweets should be split evenly. Toys must be assigned values, The argument about whether a slime stress ball outweighs a keyring that makes noises should be long and rancorous.
Alternate everything
Your parents must understand that sitting on the left hand side of the passenger seat is better than sitting on the right. Educate them in this regard by maintaining a strict daily rota, even if it does mean leaving late.
Separate jars of Nutella
His behaviour with the Nutella cannot be tolerated. If he must eat it with a spoon then the jar cannot be shared. Write on it in red pen. Police usage. Never relax your vigilance.
Keep a record of birthdays
It doesn’t matter that her birthday is in February and yours is in September. A record of the number of gifts received, and their value, must be kept so the universe is exactly in balance or you will kick off for the next seven months.
