Weighing the birthday cake: an entirely proportionate guide to making sure life is fair, by a seven-year-old

COULD your sibling be getting more of something than you? Is that the end of the world? Here’s how to ensure life is precisely fair:  

Weigh all treats

Only neglectful mothers believe two triangles of Toberone are the same. Have the scales and tears ready, commanding she slice tinier and tinier slivers until she slices a finger.

Demand parity of opportunity

If one sister’s having a sleepover? Then the other must have one, even though she’s four years younger and doesn’t have any mates. One’s doing street dance? The other must do street dance. One’s been an arsehole? The other is allowed 45 minutes of arseholery.

Time hugs

Use your tablet’s stopwatch to time hugs. If mum hugs the other sibling longer, demand the whole bedroom routine begin again. We can take all night if we need to.

Split party bags like-for-like

Lay out all items on the table. Sweets should be split evenly. Toys must be assigned values, The argument about whether a slime stress ball outweighs a keyring that makes noises should be long and rancorous.

Alternate everything

Your parents must understand that sitting on the left hand side of the passenger seat is better than sitting on the right. Educate them in this regard by maintaining a strict daily rota, even if it does mean leaving late.

Separate jars of Nutella

His behaviour with the Nutella cannot be tolerated. If he must eat it with a spoon then the jar cannot be shared. Write on it in red pen. Police usage. Never relax your vigilance.

Keep a record of birthdays

It doesn’t matter that her birthday is in February and yours is in September. A record of the number of gifts received, and their value, must be kept so the universe is exactly in balance or you will kick off for the next seven months.

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Six technological dead-ends you were conned into buying

THE future comes in all shapes and sizes, and some of those shapes were useless f**king junk enriching Lord Sugar. You fell for this crap: 

The Amstrad E-M@iler, 2000

Post Millennium Bug, parents summoned the confidence to dip into this exciting world of email they’d heard so much about. A bulky phone with LCD screen and tiny keyboard, it sat on the hall table and required spinal contortions or kneeling in supplication to use. The emails tapped out had the rhythm and mundanity of shopping lists.

Six-CD changers, 1990s

Not the ones in car boots, which were ridiculous but useful. The home ones with six slots that high houseguests cry at because no matter how many Pete Tong mixes they put on, it plays Leonard Cohen’s Suzanne. Prone to breaking catastrophically with all your CDs in.

CDTV, 1991

A Commodore Amiga packed into a flat black box and launched, crucially, with a TV remote as a controller, games had all the excitement of watching short preloaded videos with long pauses. If you had one, you have never yet found another human who completed The Case of the Cautious Condor. 

Smartphones with keyboards, early 2010s

You liked your Blackberry, didn’t you? You’re not sure about these touchscreens, plus iPhone users are twats and you’d rather they weren’t right? So you buy a smartphone with a neat little fold-out keyboard that weighs your pocket down like gold bullion and use the keyboard twice.

Widescreen CRT TVs, late 1990s

For a decade nobody likes to talk about, homes traded in their already massive televisions for even more massive widescreen ones that annexed a quarter of any new-build lounge. Even a team of rockstars couldn’t wrestle one out of a window. Then flat TVs arrived and everyone looked like twats.

Rabbit phones, 1992

The Rabbit was a mobile phone that worked within 330ft of a Rabbit base station, which were thinly scattered around major cities. Since payphones were everywhere and widely used this was no more than a long cord. If you still have a working Rabbit handset it is worth £1.2m. Nah, f**k off, it’s useless.