Wetherspoons is, and has always been, a restaurant

THE Wetherspoons chain of restaurants will remain open in tier three areas because they only serve alcohol as an accompaniment to cordon bleu meals. 

The restaurants, which have a two-month waiting list for reservations and a strict dress code, have remained open in Liverpool because alcohol is not a core part of their business. 

Maître d’ Nathan Muir said: “Of course the discerning diners of Birkenhead will be able to enjoy a chilled glass of Le Montrachet with their sole meunière. Civilisation’s light is not yet snuffed, after all. 

“Naturally there are gourmets so enamoured with our spectacular menus that they visit daily, often from 10am. And perhaps they cleanse their palates with a pitcher or two of Hawaiian Pipeline Punch. 

“But they do not come to us to drink. That’s as ridiculous as suggesting they come here just to be somewhere dry and warm. 

“We must remain open so the gastronomes of Liverpool can be sated. The people of Toxteth all agree that life without a plate of Wetherspoons’ famous escargots à la bourguignonne is life unlived.” 

Muir added: “This attack on our business is politically motivated because our owner is a proud Europhile who loves continental Europe. As Tim always says, ‘Vive la EU!’”

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Man finds 'the one' for the 18th time

A MAN believes he has found the only person in the world he is meant to be with for the 18th time, it has emerged.

Deluded romantic Tom Booker thinks new girlfriend Nikki Hollis is his soulmate, despite the fact that he felt the same way about numerous other partners and has repeatedly been proven wrong.

Booker said: “We were getting along well enough but when she told me she likes films and cheese I knew she was the one. I mean, it’s not every day you have things like that in common.

“I also can’t believe my kindred spirit lives within a 20-mile radius so Tinder could find her. If she was knocking about in a hut on the Siberian plains we would never have found each other. Talk about lucky.

“I’m not looking forward to telling the lads, though. They’ll just roll their eyes and remind me that love is a chemical reaction caused by the brain releasing dopamine. You know, the usual lad banter.”

Hollis said: “I thought Tom might be the one too, but I’m not sure we should get married next month because we both vaguely like The Simpsons.”