How are you being a dick about the new restrictions already?

IS your natural instinct to treat the three-tier lockdown as a load of bollocks that doesn’t apply to you? Here are some great ways to be a dick. 

Have a street party

Not a proper party – they have music and, if you’re very posh, cashew nuts. This is more just getting pissed in the street. Ignore social distancing and shout a lot to imply you are having a f**king amazing time and not just standing in a cold, damp street with a can of Strongbow.

Pretend you’re totally confused in an annoying way

The government’s strategy has been crap, but it’s easy to look up local restrictions. Pretend you can’t do this and say “What the bloody hell is a Tier 2? Does that mean me wife’s got to live in a different house?”. You will find this easy because you are already used to saying things like “What’s all these transsexuals about, eh?”.

Continue as if nothing has happened

Obviously some places will be shut, but aside from that there’s a good chance of not being inconvenienced by Covid at all. There are only so many police officers to enforce the rules, and Britons’ painful politeness means you can probably meander round Asda without a mask and just get the occasional ‘tut’. 

Moronic denialism 

Encourage others to ignore the restrictions by sharing your witless opinions, eg. “All the experts say it’s no worse than a touch of flu” or “Did you know you’re more likely to get crushed to death by cows? I read it somewhere.”

‘Cleverly’ exploit any loopholes

In a Tier 3 ‘high risk’ zone? Go to a pub that’s open because it serves food and order the cheapest thing on the menu. Ha! You win. And being a dick you will enjoy triumphantly relating this tale of how you ‘beat the system’ for months to come, assuming you’re not dead from Covid.

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Grandfather's dearest wish is to pass down his ignorance to his grandchildren

A GRANDAD hopes that with his help and guidance, his grandkids can end up as stupid and ill-informed as he is.

Roy Hobbs, 74, hopes that the ignorant ideas he inherited from his own parents about homosexuals, the monarchy, foreigners, women and in fact most topics will be passed on to his descendants.

Hobbs said: “I worry about the influence of the internet and the way kids can look up facts instead of relying on what your racist auntie Maureen told you.

“In my day, we went outdoors and climbed trees, then got all our information about the world from Bernard Manning, Love Thy Neighbour, the Daily Mail and whatever our own parents reckoned from watching two minutes of news a day.

“We never had balanced views handed to us on a plate. We had to make our own opinions, which we pulled out of our arses and we were all the better for it.

“I hope I can instil in my grandchildren my own values – don’t go reading books, make sure you never leave your home town, and, above all, never trust a Chinaman.”

Hobbs is currently telling his 17-year-old granddaughter Emily to vote according to your gut instinct or for someone who seems like a laugh, such as Boris Johnson.