Five items you already regret buying on Amazon Prime Day

BRITONS have eagerly been buying unnecessary tat in the Amazon Prime sale. But which useless purchases are you going to regret most when you can’t afford food in a week’s time? 

Cordless hoover – £280

Reduced by £50, this cordless vacuum cleaner seemed like an absolute bargain, even if your current hoover works perfectly well. This cordless alternative has a battery life of about three minutes and the suction power of a fly, but who cares at the low price of a return flight to New York? 

75” OLED TV – £1,399.99

This 75” super HD TV provides you with an ultra-crisp unparalleled viewing experience – or at least it would if it fitted in your studio flat. An unwise purchase as you now look a bit common AND spendthrift, and you’re not a film buff or football fan so you’ll just be using it to watch Bake Off and Huw Edwards.

Electric toothbrush – £79.99

Paying two pounds for a toothbrush in the supermarket just isn’t extravagant enough. Down from £299, this magic wand brush promises you a Simon Cowell smile which lights the way on darkened country lanes. The only snag is that you’ll have to apply for a loan every time you want to buy replacement brush heads. 

Lululemon sportswear – £162

Now you’ve tried them on, the ultra-tight exercise pants look slightly obscene. And they only had the Lululemon sports bra in extra small, so you look less like Jessica Ennis-Hill and more like a pork joint tied up in string. People will salivate over you at the gym, but only because they’re thinking of Sunday lunch.

100 Nespresso capsules – £20

This bulk purchase of Nespresso capsules was a steal at 20 quid so it’s unfortunate you don’t have a Nespresso machine to put them in. Pierce the lids with a knife and scoop the coffee directly into your mouth until your bank account has recovered sufficiently to buy one – probably next year’s Amazon Prime Day.


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Welsh install Scouse-detectors

THE Welsh have installed a network of foolproof Scouse-detectors along their northern border. 

The detectors, which cover every road and path into the country from Shotwick down to Hay-on-Wye, can instantly detect any Liverpudlian incursion and alert police. 

First minister Mark Drakeford said: “Sensitive microphones are trained on every border crossing. At the same time, we’ve erected signs on roadsides asking questions like ‘Who’s the best Beatle?’ and ‘Our Cilla, eh?’. 

“It’s impossible for a Scouser to pass one without bursting into voluble argument, tribute or tears. They simply can’t do it. The mics pick it up and they’re stopped by our roadblocks before they reach the chorus of ‘Hey Jude’. 

“The system is infallible. Even the most committed Liverpool fan can’t not mutter ‘Learnt everything he knows on the streets of Croxteth, la’ when passing a billboard of Wayne Rooney. 

“And by covering our borders with a load of Scouse rubbish we’re successfully repelling everyone from the Greater Manchester area as well. It’s win-win.” 

Tom Logan of Birkenhead said: “It’s discriminatory and unfair. And that sign’s right, John Bishop’s funnier than Peter Kay any day. He’s boss.”