Woman choosing dinner party guests based on lack of stupid dietary requirements

A WOMAN is inviting people to a dinner party based on them not being annoying idiots who will mess up her menu plans.

Emma Bradford has decided to eschew friends in favour of people she does not particularly like, so long as they do not have faddish or made-up dietary restrictions.

Bradford said: “I’ve got a beef stroganoff recipe from my mum I know is a winner. More importantly I just want to dump it in the oven and get wasted.

“Last time I invited people I actually wanted to spend time with and ended up with one vegan, one nut allergy, one gluten intolerance and Steve who thinks it’s interesting and quirky to be a picky eater.

“This time I’ll invite any socially dysfunctional cretin so long as they just chow down on whatever I chuck in front of them.

“Rachel who only talks about minor work issues affecting people I don’t know is on the list. Also Jasper. I can’t wait to hear the latest updates from his cycling club and Star Trek: Picard.

“Frankly anyone easy to feed is welcome. My cheating ex, my bitchy mother-in-law, Michael Gove. Actually not him. There are limits.”

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The parents' guide to treating pubs like a f**king soft play area

PUBS are a great place to for adults to relax but they also work as soft play areas for parents who don’t give a shit about other drinkers. Here’s how…

Make sure your kids run around

Give your children all the physical fun of soft play by being oblivious to the fact that they’ve spent the last half-hour jumping from one sofa to another, ruining a couple’s attempt to have a date.

Get them hyperactive

Keep feeding them coke and crisps until they’re shrieking loudly enough to change the atmosphere from ‘Having a quiet pint’ to ‘Am I in Jacob’s Ladder?’.

Recreate soft play thrills

Soft play always has a ‘thrilling’ element for kids like a slide. Recreate this excitement by getting your children to play by the kitchen door where the waiters are coming out with hot food.

Work off their energy

Tire them out so you get a quiet evening by timing them doing races up and down the pub. Watch proudly as they race past the annoyed stares of otherwise normal people now wishing to kill them.

You’re not finished yet!

Get up and look like you’re about to leave, much to everyone’s relief, but then get your child to order something from the bar. It’s absolutely adorable and customers won’t mind being held up by a six-year-old who can’t decide what flavour Nik Naks she wants.

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