The six things Harry and Meghan have returned to the UK to nick

HARRY and Meghan are back in the UK to smile, wave and nick all the things they forgot first time around. But what are they? 

Paintings by Titian, Rubens and Caravaggio

Modern girl Meghan has decided she misses the faded charm of the Royal palaces, and thinks a few Old Masters will give their Vancouver penthouse that touch of class. She’ll keep the Queen talking while Harry shoves them in a bag. 

The 1821 Sword of Offering

Commissioned by George IV, this Damascus steel blade is encrusted with more than 3,000 diamonds. Harry’s the only Royal who’s been a proper soldier so great-x7-grandad would have wanted him to have it. 

£44 million in gold ingots

Granny’s an old woman – as long as she’s got her corgi and her reading glasses resting atop a copy of The People’s Friend she’s happy. She doesn’t need all this gold and if it’s left there you just know Kate’s commoner family will be trousering the lot. 

Frogmore Cottage

Meghan’s logic is: we had it renovated to our design, then we had to pay for the renovations, so basically we’ve bought it and it’s ours. Wholesale dismantling and relocation to Hollywood Hills to be disguised by scaffolding. 

The Scilly Isles

Ever since he was a boy, Harry’s always wanted his own archipelago. And what better location to rule from as a king-in-exile while everyone on the mainland is wiped out by the coronavirus? The deeds are already stuffed up his jumper. 


They love it over in North America. Also it’s liberal and green and multiracial just like Harry and Meghan are, and Britain clearly doesn’t want it or it wouldn’t have elected Boris. The BBC will be loaded into a van and sneaked out of the country at 3am tomorrow.

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Middle aged man realises every item of clothing he's wearing was a gift

A MAN getting ready for a night out was shocked to notice that every part of his outfit was bought for him by someone else.

Glancing in a mirror, Tom Logan realised he was entirely dressed in gifts accrued from Christmases and birthdays of the past decade and he no longer buys his own clothes.

Father-of-two Logan, 46, said: “First I noticed I was wearing the polo shirt Auntie Val got me for my 40th. That’s shrunk a bit now. 

“Then I realised my jeans were ones Mum got me from M&S. Like all my jeans that actually fit. I pulled back the waistband and there was my one good pair of boxers, the ones from Christmas 2015.

“Even my feet were clad in a pair of novelty ‘Day of the week’ socks bought by my young daughters. ‘Tuesday’, if you’re interested.

“I’m sure I used to buy my own clothes. In fact I was really keen on it in my teens and 20s, although thinking back fills me with sickening embarrassment at what I must have looked like. 

“Have I somehow turned middle aged and ‘square’? Surely not. Still, all the money I’m saving means I can get more things for the garden.”