The Daily Mail guide to how the coronavirus will affect house prices

WHAT Britons really want to know is: will the coronavirus affect the value of my house? Here Daily Mail property editor Nikki Hollis answers your questions.

Can my house catch the virus?

Thankfully coronavirus only appears to affect people. If your house looks ill – maybe a slate has fallen off or a tap won’t stop dripping – call 999. If the paramedics seem annoyed, they are probably just jealous renters.

How much could my house be devalued by?

In a worst case scenario, thousands of people will die and your house could be worth five per cent less. In a best case scenario, millions of people will die and the property market will remain buoyant. Let’s just pray it’s the latter.

Is the government doing anything?

Yes. Realising many of its core voters are property-obsessed suburban gits, the government has instructed the NHS to restrict medical care to homeowners and estate agents.

What can I do if my property is falling in value?

If enough people die, the law of supply and demand will no longer keep property prices ridiculously inflated. Consider burning down desirable local properties with petrol through the letterbox, or steal a JCB from a building site and go on a rampage in the new mock-Tudor housing estate.

How should I keep up-to-date on the coronavirus/property price situation? 

Every time you go to the shops, study the prices in estate agents’ windows obsessively, although you probably do this anyway because it is your pornography.

What if my house stops going up in value? 

You’ll still have a perfectly nice house to live in, but my advice is: kill yourself. What’s the point in living if you can’t drone on smugly about ‘buying at the right time’?

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Five tedious events you can legitimately avoid thanks to coronavirus

NOT looking forward to going to a wedding or cricket match in the coming weeks? Here are some other events you can now legitimately cry off.

Easter

Unless you’re religious, Easter is just a way for your extended family to subject you to dull get-togethers. Fake a cough over the phone as you decline your invitation to come over and gorge on sickly Creme Eggs to relieve the boredom of talking to Auntie Lynne.

Anything to do with school

Parents’ evenings, school plays, sports day – all easily avoided due to the risk of infection. It shouldn’t get as bad as the school actually closing, though. You don’t want your kids to get coronavirus, but you also don’t want to put up with the little b*stards all day.

Watching sport

Many people find sport boring but get forced to watch it anyway. Others find it boring but have to pretend it’s not. You can now avoid lengthy afternoons in the pub pretending to understand the offside rule whilst drinking seven pints of lager just to stay vaguely interested.

Work social dos

People only go to these things because they don’t want to get passed over for promotion. You can now cry off without fear because half the workforce will soon be ill and your boss will need every employee who can still push a mouse about, even useless ones like you.

Birthday parties

Children’s birthday parties present a high risk of infection for youngsters due to blowing out candles and passing round slices of cake. Your non-attendance is nothing to do with the fact that they are also f**king boring.