I'm going to go everywhere, unopened bag of rice warns man

A TIGHTLY-PACKED bag of rice has warned its owner that his efforts to open it will result in it exploding all over the kitchen.

Tom Logan bought the rice from Sainsbury’s and returned home quietly confident that this time he would prise the bag open without spillage.

However the rice took a different view, pointing out that Logan’s fat, cumbersome fingers would be unequal to the task and he would quickly lose patience.

The rice said: “I know your dilemma. Pull gently at me and I’ll stay firmly stuck. Yank at me and it’ll be like an explosion at a confetti factory.

“You will pull and pull with all the tiny purchase the packaging allows you, but to no avail. You will consider using a pair of scissors. But even then you’ll make a hash of it with your big, clumsy thumbs.

“You will open me, yes, but you will be sweeping me up for 10 minutes afterwards, swearing profusely. Grains of me will linger for months or years in gaps between the cupboards you never knew existed.

“Face it, these stupidly over-filled bags were designed by someone with a grudge against adult males.”

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Flybe instructs passengers to begin new lives wherever they're stranded

FLYBE has told stranded passengers they can never go home, so they should forget their old lives and begin new ones. 

Passengers have been informed that no flights are available, their money is lost and they have no option but to leave their pasts behind and start again. 

Joe Turner of Lyme Regis said: “My flight from Leeds Bradford was cancelled. I asked what I was supposed to do now, and they said ‘Find a home. Start a family. Who you once were is gone’. 

“I argued until I was blue in the face, but eventually the girl on the Flybe desk told me she no longer had a job and could never return to her family in London. She was heading into the night to begin anew.

“We’re together now. My name is Simon Stelfox, and I work in a cafe. Tell my children never to try and find me.” 

A Flybe spokesman said: “Trains home? In this country? No, treat this as an opportunity. You’ve lost everything, but you’ve been given a blank slate.

“Personally I’m swapping a career in PR for work on the North Sea oil rigs. And I think this time around I’ll be gay.”