Friday, 14th May 2021

Middle aged woman preparing for big night out by double-dropping Imodium

A WOMAN’S preparations for a night on the town have changed drastically in the last two decades, she has revealed.

Francesca Johnson, 42, used to invite friends round for pre-drinks and whatever illegal substances she could get her hands on, but now puts plans in place to make sure she can still vaguely function the next day.

Johnson said: “In my 20s I’d neck a bottle of wine, three vodka and Red Bulls and usually a couple of questionable pills and stay up all night dancing and gurning like a lunatic.

“Now if I drink more than three glasses of wine and stay out past midnight I feel like I’m going to die and have to stay very close to a toilet at all times, in case I embarrass myself.

“I used to think a sudden need for the toilet was due to the stimulating effects of too much cocaine or MDMA, but now I realise I’m in a steady decline and will gradually lose control of my bodily functions until I die.

“I might as well start taking drugs again. At least then a rush to the bogs would be fun.”