Northerners celebrate beginning of summer

THE rugged inhabitants of the North have welcomed the start of summer with open arms.

Hardy folk from the no-nonsense parts of England have wasted no time basking in the overcast March weather that is lovely and warm to them.

Donna Sheridan of Carlisle said: “I’m so glad it’s finally here. Nothing but picturesque grey skies and a blustery light drizzle from now until the end of September. Fantastic.

“My big coat’s back in the wardrobe and I’ve cracked out my t-shirt and shorts for these balmy temperatures. That’ll see me through to the start of December when it reaches sub-zero and I’ll put on a tiny jacket.”

Hull resident Roy Hobbs said: “I’ve turned the central heating off which can only mean one thing – summer’s here.

“I can’t wait to cool down with a cold pint of lager in a beer garden and watch these long summer evenings stretch out until half six.”

Shielding his eyes from glaring cloud cover with his flat cap, Hobbs added: “Cor, it’s a scorcher.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Genesis reform to play to older brothers who like that sh*t

PROG-ROCK giants Genesis have reformed to play to thousands of older brothers who take music very seriously. 

The brothers, who were always booming 23-minute pretentious song suites from the stereos in their nasty-smelling bedrooms, have all done well enough in their boring careers to buy the very expensive tickets.

Younger sibling Eleanor Shaw said: “The minute I saw the news I knew exactly who’d be in the audience. Loads of bald IT engineers who read Philip K Dick books and nod thoughtfully while they play their vinyl.

“I hope Genesis include a bit where they and the audience moan about pop music being ephemeral rubbish for girls, because I know for sure that’s what their fans enjoy doing.

“Imagine them all in the O2, rolling their fussy joints on gatefold sleeves and not clapping because they don’t want to miss the nuances of the f**king drum solo. Eurgh.”

Older brother Andrew Shaw said: “Of course, Ellie’s confusing the Peter Gabriel Genesis with the later Phil Collins incarnation of the band.

“She really doesn’t know anything about music. And she’s still not allowed to use my record player.”